DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN – 1/19/09
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column.(Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: How do you get physical with a girl you have known for a while (like 3 months give or take)?
Answer: Getting physical is something that usually occurs naturally between a man and a woman over a three month period unless one or both of them is extremely uncomfortable on disinterested.
When a man is uncomfortable with approaching a woman for a physical relationship, the main thing that a man can do to handle that is learn how to observe and use gradients.
What are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder that you climb to get to the top. Some guys may try to go to the top of the ladder without climbing any of the steps. And that makes the girl uncomfortable as well as the guy.
A guy who is uncomfortable in this area should learn both how to recognize gradients when women use them and how to use gradients on women.
Not every woman will start at the same gradient. Some women will start with a kiss after a first date, and move up gradually or rapidly from there – from kissing, to making out, to petting, to heavy petting and finally to intercourse. If a man tries to jump to the “intercourse” stage without going through the other gradients, he might just lose the girl. Conversely, you can lose a girl because youare moving up the gradients too slowly.
Now other women won’t even be up to the gradient of giving you a goodnight kiss until the seventh date. Gradients for her might be: getting to know you, talking about sexual topics indirectly (for example commiserating about an ex-boyfriend), accidental touch (bumping into you as you walk), purposeful little touches to your arm or leg, holding onto your arm as you walk, holding your hand, and then a goodnight kiss.
If you are uncomfortable with this area and want to get physical with a girl, flirt with her, romance her, observe where she is on the gradients of sexual contact, then lead her up the gradients gently. As long as you don’t skip too many gradients, if she is interested, she will move up the gradients quickly or slowly depending on her personality.
If she is not interested, she probably won’t budge. Try lowering the gradient and if she still doesn’t budge. Try talking about it. Ask her if she is interested in a relationship with you or if she only wants to be friends.
Also remember that most women won’t go out on a “date” with you unless they are already vaguely ok with the concept of getting physical with you. So you might want to clarify if you are dating or just “hanging out.”
DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 1/12/09
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
Released by AssociatedNews.US
Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column.(Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: I’m good looking and not lacking in any area. For some reason I’ve just always had a very hard time confronting girls… if I’m lucky enough to get the chance to talk to a very attractive girl I usually chicken out and regret it later.
Answer: Well, I understand your question very well. As a young man, I was in exactly the same position. There is no “magic pill” that will change things overnight. There are a lot of things that you may have to do to change your situation.
I have sent you a complimentary copy of “Dating To Relating – From A to Z” as this is the most complete education that you can get to address your problem.
In the meantime there are two things that you and guys like you can do to raise your confront.
Whenever you feel uncomfortable in any situation, it means that you are approaching this situation on too high a gradient. Rather than run away from the situation. Lower the gradient.
What are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you will fail. If you keep trying it over and over you will start building up a “complex” about failing, and soon not try anymore.
If you try to jump up five or six steps on your first try, it will also be scary – not necessarily impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences jumping that high you will fail too.
The right approach is to take the first step and then advance one-step at a time. It is the most comfortable way to climb a ladder.
When I was a young man I would see a woman I was attracted to and thought I had to tell her how much I liked her straight away. Well that was jumping up too many steps on the ladder. I didn’t even know her.
The first step is a simple “Hi” and a smile. Then keep walking. Get comfortable just saying “Hi” to girls. Then as the next step when they say “Hi” back or ask you a question, answer the question, or make a comment about something that she has her attention on to continue the conversation. For example, if you are in a bookstore and she is looking at a book on cooking, ask her what she thinks of that book. Is it any good?
Conversations develop naturally. Do not push it. Get to know her before you decide that you like her.
Of course, there is a whole lot more to it, but these are good basics to start with.
Here is a question I got the other day about how to use rapport.
Question: Mr. L. Rx, what is rapport and how do I use it when meeting women?
Answer: Rapport!
Well, our trusted Wikipedia says:
“Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective: being “in sync” with, or being “on the same wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking.”
Why should you establish rapport when meeting women for the first time? Well it is just one more of those things you can do to create attraction. Rapport works more on the subconscious level, whereas some of the other things I have taught you – like listen to the woman – work on a more conscious level.
How do you establish rapport?
Well, there are three ways that I go about establishing rapport with a person whether in a sales situation, a social situation, or on a date.
1) Body Language
To establish rapport I mimic the person’s body language. If they sit up straight, I sit up straight. If they lean back, I lean back. If they lean in, I lean in.
Posture is one, but there are others. If they are uptight and cold and distant, I am uptight and cold and distant. If they start warming up, I start warming up. If they talk with their hands, I talk with my hands. Get it! Don’t be too obvious. This is subtle. It drives in the “commonality of perspective” or the “in sync”.
2) Vocal Language
If someone starts off talking about casual conversation, I start and continue the conversation at the same level. If they start off getting very personal and open, I become very personal and open with my conversation. I also use a similar style of talking if possible – soft and polite, if they are soft and polite, loud and boisterous, if they are loud and boisterous.
3) Emotional Mimicking
If someone is cheerful and friendly, I am cheerful and friendly, if they are angry and sullen, I become angry and sullen. If they are antagonistic and bothered, I become antagonistic and bothered. If they are fearful or grief ridden, I become fearful or grief ridden.
4) OtherMimicry
You can take mimicking a little further. For example, if they order a salad, I will order a salad. If they order an “Arnold Palmer” I will order an “Arnold Palmer”. Be careful in this one, however, don’t be too obvious. Keep it more general, for example, they order a salad and rather than ordering the same salad just say “I want something light too” then choose something light. Or if they order that “Arnold Palmer” you might order something non-alcoholic like ice tea.
Now using rapport is my tendency, but I only do these things when I want to use rapport. Sometimes I don’t use rapport. Some people are attracted to “similarity” (that is when rapport works) others are attracted to opposites (that is when rapport can back fire on you).
How do you know when or when not to use rapport?
Well, I observe the attraction factor. When I meet people, I am at first just me – my natural self. If that works then I don’t change a thing. I just be “me”. Now sometimes “me” will naturally be in rapport with the person I am with, other times it doesn’t matter as attraction is there anyway.
But when the attraction factor is low, or the personality in front of me is not very similar to my personality, I first make a decision. I ask myself if I want to get to know this person better (because if I don’t like them – no use wasting any time on rapport). If I do, I will use rapport and the attraction factor starts going in.
Rapport is one of those things that seems to work for me when all else fails. Once I establish rapport I say the same things and do the same things I would normally say and do. I just say them in a way that is consistent with the rapport I have established.
Mr. L. Rx
How To Use Rapport When Meeting Women (c) 2010 Dating To Relating, Inc.
There is definite flirting behavior when a girl is interested in you and there is definite “not interested” behavior when she is not. There is another type of behavior that is “just friendly” and a similar type of behavior that is “just flirting” – in other words, it is not meant to be taken seriously and is not meant to go anywhere.
Now I am not going to tackle the obvious, when a girl asks you out or tells you how handsome you are, etc. that is flirtation behavior you should get. But here is what girls do when they are being more subtle and less aggressive and are interested in establishing something with you.
Flirty
1) They will suggest or establish “future” in your conversation. You know, “Let’s hang some time,” or “I know a place you would really like. I will take you there sometime”, or something of the sort. It would be usually one-on-one type situations, but if she wants to check you out more, then it might be an invitation to a group function. “My girlfriend and I are going to blah-blah, Sunday. Would you like to come?” Be careful of the last one, though, it could be a “just-friends” invitation.
2) They will compliment you. The more sexual the compliment, the more flirty and interested it might be. For example, “You have a cute butt,” would be a more sexual compliment. However “I had a great time” or “I really enjoyed hanging with you” are still very good indicators that a girl is really interested. (Make sure that she originates the compliment and is not just being polite and complimenting you because you complimented her.)
3) A phone call, text, or email from the girl saying what a nice or enjoyable time she had with you a few minutes to a few hours after getting together with her is another good indicator that she is really interested in you. Even a contact the next day or within a few days of the same nature is a good indicator.
In other words, girls who are really flirting, with the intention of it going somewhere, try to give you a few extra hints that they are really interested and that you should pursue them. Now there is one other kind of girl that won’t do any of the above, but you will notice you have good one-on-one conversation with her every time you meet and have a chance to converse. She is there, always talks to you, doesn’t run away, but also doesn’t suggest future or give compliments. She might be the type that is a little shy and wants you to make the first move.
Now the hard ones are “friendly girls” who are affectionate and out-going types but are not really flirting. They may be really friendly and talkative to you. They may compliment you on something (but not usually a sexual compliment) and they may give you a hug or a cheek-kiss.
Now if a girl does this and she doesn’t do any of 1-3 above, and she sort of avoids any significant one-on-one time or conversations (in other words she tries to interact with you in group situations or just briefly) then she is just being friendly and you will probably see her interacting with other men and women in the same way (another clue).
A “flirty girl” who is just flirting to have fun, will probably do much of the same behavior as the “friendly girl” and may even get a little sexual with her flirts and compliments, but again, it will probably be in group situations and she will avoid any serious one-on-one with you.
Friendly Or Flirty
If you have any doubt about “friendly girls” or “flirty girls” just try to up the gradient of flirtation and see how they respond. If they are really flirting with you and are interested in it going somewhere, they will respond appropriately when you up the gradient. If they back down or withdraw, or are anything less than “eager” when you up the gradient, then you know that they are just being friendly or flirty and you should not take it seriously.
So ask them out, ask for their phone number, or suggest some one-on-one time and see how they respond. If they respond positively, eagerly – they are interested; if they are hesitant or respond negatively, or “politely” – they are just being “friendly” or “flirty.”
Question: Mr. L. Rx I am very attracted to this girl in one of my college classes. I’ve known her for several months now, though we don’t have a relationship. I feel that I am deeply in love with her and told her that the other day. She told me that attraction is not love. Is she right? I feel that this strong of an attraction must be love. Could I be wrong?
Answer: This is one of the best questions I have had in a long time. And the answer is simple. Love is not attraction.
Well, perhaps I should temper that. For some people, love is experienced as attraction, or at least love is misidentified as attraction. Attraction between men and women is entirely a physical force not a mental force. Attraction between men and women can be created by mental considerations, but in the end it is not a mental force.
Mr. Webster defines attraction as:
“The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together.”
Men and women are oppositely charged particles. When we are talking about attraction here, we are talking about a physical attraction.
Now most women, not all, have a better handle on this than men. Most women can feel a physical attraction for a man, recognize it as such, determine that the man for other reasons is unsuitable as a “love interest” and move on. Most men, on the other hand can’t do this. Most men feel a physical attraction for a woman, and the stronger that physical attraction is, the more they misidentify it as “love.”
Both David DeAngelo and myself have written extensively that attraction can be created and that it is not innate. You can create attraction, where there is none, just by teaching men (or women) to say and do or be certain things.
Men physically saying or doing or being certain things, creates attraction in women. This is a physical law not a mental condition just as it is a physical law that you can magnetize any piece of metal, and create attraction to that metal whether or not it was magnetized before. (Incidentally you can do this no matter how ugly or poor that piece of metal is!)
Now love, on the other hand, is also an attraction of sorts. But it is a mental attraction not a physical one. Physical attraction is different for everyone. For some it is how cute you are, for others, how rich you are, or yet others, how famous you are. But in all cases a physical attraction is an instantaneous attraction with no thought attached – just like a magnet.
Physical attractions are meant to get us to pay attention to someone. That’s all. That is the extent of it. Once you pay attention, cognitive processes should take over.
Now love, when it is not misidentified, is a totally cognitive process. It is a mental process. After someone gets our attention, love is the attraction that develops because we get to know someone and find that many of their non-physical qualities are a good “fit”, agreeable, or a match for us.
Love can take a long time or a short time to develop, but “love” is where we arrive when we overwhelmingly start finding ourselves attracted to a person in ways that the physical sexual attraction did not foretell.
When we find that the person’s humor, personality, style, way of being, way of communicating, and goals in life are all “attractive” or compatible with ourselves (and are real – not fake attributes that were meant to create a instant physical attraction); and when we find that we naturally want to be with a person because of a whole set of these variables – not just looks or money or fame – we are starting to develop a cognitive attraction or “love.”
There can be so many cognitive attractions to a person that at some point it can overcome a lack of “physical attraction” (looks, money, fame). But, most importantly, a cognitive “love” would look for a similar variable in another. In other words, a cognitive attraction would not consider it “love” – as between a man and a woman – unless the cognitive attraction saw the attraction going in both directions.
Similarly, other types of love – say between parent and child – can also get misidentified. Parents will often misidentify love for responsibility. When you cognitively consider your children “undeserving brats”, but help them anyway because you “love” them, you are mistaken. You help them because you are responsible for them, not because you “love them”. In this society, that is how “family” usually works. It is a tight group that takes care of each other, despite love or lack thereof. It is just an agreement.
Friendship is usually the purest form of love, in that it is the least often misidentified. There are those of us who feel the obligation to be friends with anyone we know, or grew up with, or work with, or who are in our vicinity, but most of us don’t say that we “love” a friend unless there is a deep sense of compatibility – numerous variables that we are attracted to, feel compatible with, etc. with that friend – and usually we don’t say it unless it is a mutual feeling. You know, you both feel the same way.
That is why friendship is and should be the basis of a good relationship. If we love our friend and he or she happens to be of the opposite sex, and some of the attraction variables present also can create the man-woman attraction (or the man-woman variable was the first attraction to begin with), then we have the likelihood of a real or true man-woman love relationship, and not some here-today and gone-tomorrow sexual attraction.
And why are instant sexual attractions and infatuations usually here-today and gone-tomorrow? Well that is because after we get to know this person we were instantly attracted to, and find out we are not attracted to them in so many other ways, it actually kills or suppresses the instant man-woman attraction that was there to begin with.
Again women are better at this than men. Most women –like it or not – can suppress their instant attraction to men in favor of a more cognitive approach.
So the moral of this story is “Don’t misidentify sexual attraction for love.” Sexual attraction is physical and instant. Love is a cognitive attraction that takes a while to develop. If you act on a sexual attraction as if it were “love” you may find yourself in a place down the road that you don’t want to be in.
How to talk to women. This is a very difficult subject for a variety of reasons.
First of all, women come in a variety of personalities. Any good and experienced salesman knows that you talk to different personalities in different ways.
A good example of this is my article on meeting women in bars and clubs. (http://dating-to-relating.info/how-to-pick-up-women-in-bars-and-clubs/ ) If you read it, you will see that to deliver the same basic communication to different personalities in bars and clubs, I had to approach and talk to the women in different ways.
So, you see, there is no ONE way to talk to women or to men. Anyone who tells you there is one way to talk to women is lying. Knowing this is what makes an expert salesmen or an expert dating guru. Pitches and lines will only work on a small percentage of people. An expert knows all the different ways to communicate the same idea to different people. So an expert salesmen or an expert with women approaches that 80 to 90 percent success ratio, that pitches and “lines” can’t achieve, as he is able to adjust his communication to the person in front of him. This is how you talk to women.
The salesmen who use one pitch on everyone and the dating gurus who treat all women the same will have a smaller percentage of success – usually around 10 percent but some times as high as 30 percent or perhaps one could even achieve a higher percent if one controlled the environment he was pitching to. But when we talk about the general public the expert will still achieve those 80-90 percent success ratios and the pitch salesmen and dating gurus who treat everyone the same will invariably have a success ratio ten percent or lower.
So having said that, knowing that there is no ONE way to talk to women, any expert knows which technique will reach the most people, work most of the time, even though it is not right for everyone. So that is what we will talk about here. There is no one way to talk to women; however, what I will talk about here is the best way to talk to women in general.
Now, let’s look at this concept of “How to talk to women” a little further. What do we mean by “talk to women” ? Do we mean actual communication? Let’s define communication as having something to do with understanding. In other words communication is talk that results in someone understanding what you are saying, from your point of view.
But there is another type of talk. Talk aimed at producing a result. It is aimed at getting someone to do something or it is aimed at creating an effect on someone. We don’t really care if the person understands our viewpoint as long as what we said gets them to do, or be, or have whatever it is we want them to do, or be, or have. Any parent knows that if you tell a two year old “not” to do something, he will do it. So that is the type of talk we are referring to in this definition. It doesn’t require understanding. It is just a matter of what we say produces the desired effect on another.
Casual talk on the other hand, doesn’t have much to do with understanding, or a particular desired effect. (Unless we say that the desired effect is a pleasant time while conversing with another.) Casual talk is just something to do to take up time; it can be interesting and entertaining even, but not much to do with understanding or a desired effect on another outside of a pleasant time conversing.
Then there are those people who talk to achieve emotional release. They talk about something that is bothering them for a while and they feel better and get an emotional release. They again are not looking for any type of understanding, or to create a desired effect on another, or to have a pleasant time with another. They just want someone who will listen long enough so they can get an emotional release.
Talk To Women
So right here we have at least four different purposes to or types of “talk.”
One that achieves understanding of your viewpoint.
One that tries to create an effect on another to do, be or have something.
One that takes up time in a pleasant way.
And one that achieves an emotional release from worries and things bothering one.
Now oddly enough, personality factors intersect with these various different types of talk, because some personalities specialize in one of the types of talk more than the others.
We all have the friend who just talks and talks about their problem trying to achieve some emotional release. They don’t want your advice or attempts to solve their problem. They just need to talk.
We all have the buddies that we can just shoot the breeze with. Nothing in particular just pleasant conversation.
And we all have good and bad experiences with people who say things in order to get us to react in one way or another.
The problem area appears to be the type of communication that results in an understanding of your viewpoint. What are arguments other than two people not understanding each other’s viewpoint. How many times have you been in an argument with someone, in which you don’t feel like you were understood?
Now when we talk about dating and relating to women and how to talk to women, we need to know 1) how to talk to women in order to attract women, 2) how to talk to women in order to qualify women, and 3) how to talk to women in order to relate to them.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Attract Them
Now here is where personality comes in again. Obviously if you were talking to a woman who was a personality type that specialized in (4) above – emotional release – you would attract her by listening to her unburden herself and achieve emotional release. If you were talking to a personality type that just likes to have a pleasant time, (3) above, then chatting in a pleasant way about nothing in particular would score you big points. Just don’t bring that conversation into “unpleasant” realms and you will do just fine on “attraction”.
Now if you are with the type of personality that needs to create effects on you or needs an effect created on herself, (2) above, then let them do so or do so to them and you will do fine on the attraction vector. And if you are with the type of women who longs for understanding and being understood, (1) above, then achieve understanding in your conversation and you will achieve attraction.
Now I suggest you read my article, “How To Meet Women In Bars And Clubs” that I refer to above as I am going to give you some examples here. “Love Girls” would be an example of (1) above, and the “Gradient Girls” and the “Beautiful Tease” are both examples of (2) above, “Boredom Girls” which I minutely refer to in the article would be an example of (3) above.
You see the “Love Girl” was simply looking for a guy that understood that “no games” were necessary. I understood that, therefore instant attraction. The “Beautiful Tease” needed an effect created on her, that I was not attracted to her, to get her to become attracted to me – therefore my “talking” produced instant attraction. The “Gradient Girls” also needed an effect created on them that I was not some typical guy just looking for sex. My talking created that effect and therefore instant attraction.
So you see there is no one way to talk to women to create attraction. But outside of bars and clubs here is what I find works the best when I talk to women.
Listen to women and ask questions. Don’t be concerned about yourself and bragging about this and that. If you listen to a woman and ask questions, she will reveal what kind of talk she likes and you can do the appropriate thing from there, or you can qualify her, and if you don’t like her personality or other things about her, then just say “no” to going any further with her.
MOST of the time I spend about 80% of my time on a date, or in a relationship LISTENING. Girls like that. And that is the best way you can approach “dating and relating” and “how to talk to women” . Be willing to listen to what she talks about, because if you listen you will get clues on how and what to talk about.
LISTEN, and base your conversation off of what she is interested in, and everything should flow naturally.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Qualify Them
How to talk to women when qualifying is easy. Listen and ask questions as above but ask the things that you are interested in and want to know about her. Stay away from blatant sexual remarks and sexual innuendo, though. This tends to push women away and reverses the attraction you have created above.
Now remember that women communicate in subtleties and like it when men do the same. So if you want to know if she likes sex, for example, get her talking about her last relationship, listen, listen, listen. When she gives you an appropriate lead in, ask her if they had a good sex life. This isn’t addressing a sexual remark at her (you are so hot), or sexual innuendo, but it will allow you to learn about what she thinks about sex, what her experience has been with respect to it in the past, and it will allow you to talk about it in a mature adult way.
Some times you can be direct and talk about it in a mature adult way. When I was pursuing my 700 dates, after I established a good “talking” chemistry with someone, I would ask them directly “How do you feel about sex? They would usually say, “What do you mean?” And I would say, “You know, how do you feel about it? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you think it is a necessary evil? Or what?” If they probed me some more on why I was bringing it up, I would just tell them the truth, I would say, “My first wife didn’t like sex and it was a big problem in our relationship, I just don’t want to get myself in that kind of a situation again.”
But truth be told, if I did the chemistry part right, only about one woman in twenty would have any concern with my question. Most would just answer my question and tell me what they honestly felt about it.
In order to talk to women to qualify them, you should have a list of questions that you would like to know about any woman – the kind of things that are important to you. For example, for me, after I establish that I am attracted to a woman physically, I like to know if she is intelligent, if she is creative. I like to know about her family and how she gets along with them. I like to know about her friends and how close she is or isn’t to them.
I like to know what her moral code is. I like to know if she is spiritual or religious. I like to know what her career goals are, what her family goals are. And a lot of other things….
Now If I listen to both what she tells me about herself, and the type of questions she asks me, I get a feel for a lot of the above without asking her any questions. Or if she asks me one of my questions, I will answer it and then ask her how she feels about that.
Whenever there is a lull in the conversation, I will just ask her one of the above questions that she hasn’t answered yet. It might be, “So, do you have any brothers or sisters?” Or, “How do you get along with your parents?” Or, “How do you like your job?” These type of questions all lead the conversation in the direction I want it to go when I talk to women that I am qualifying.
There is never an uncomfortable lull in the conversation when I am qualifying a woman. Nor do I talk about myself a lot, nor does she feel like she is getting grilled, because I rarely ask inappropriate questions. Most of the questions I ask are appropriate – based off the last thing she said. So if she says, “ I grew up in Minnesota.” I don’t immediately ask, “How do you get along with your parents?” That might feel like I was grilling her if I kept that up.
I would say, “Oh yeah, I’ve never been to Minnesota, what is it like there?” And after she talked about that for a while, I might then ask, “So, does your family still live in Minnesota, or did they move out here like you did? This leads me into family and after she talks about where her mom and dad live for a while, I might then follow up with, “Do you get along with your parents?” Or “Which parent do you get along with best?”
My conversation always follows a natural progression of asking questions based on what she last said. This allows her to talk 80% of the time, allows me to qualify her, subtlety tells her I am qualifying her and I am interested in much more than just sex, and believe it or not, women really like this. They like being qualified as long as you do it subtly and show you are genuinely interested in them. The genuineness comes from listening and mainly asking questions that are appropriate to the last comment she just made.
Now occasionally you meet a very shy woman, who only gives you “yes” and “no” answers to your questions. This makes the whole process a little harder, as you have nothing to play off of. So in this case, I do a lot more talking, as it is necessary to keep things comfortable. So I might ask her a question like, “Where did you grow up?” and get “Detroit” as an answer. And then ask, “What is Detroit like?” and get “It’s ok” as an answer. In that case I would then offer that I grew up in California and talk about California the way I would want her to answer my questions. After doing this for a while (or several dates) the woman will usually open up and start answering questions the way I want her to.
I personally don’t like shy women, so I usually disqualify them, rather than spend a lot of time on them. Occasionally one is really, really hot and I will spend the time to see if she opens up. Sometimes people are only shy for a while until you get to know them.
The bottom line to qualifying women is to ask questions and listen to the answers and to smoothly and appropriately ask all the questions you need to know about a woman to decide if you are interested in taking it to the next level.
One more thing about qualifying – qualifying and rejecting women who don’t qualify becomes easy if you meet lots of women. You might find yourself struggling with it if you only meet one woman a year or so. And you might set your standards too low due to a scarcity of women.
So do yourself a favor and get a copy of my book “How I Got 700 Dates In One Year” or some such similar book to learn how to meet lots of women. Then qualifying them will work like a charm.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Relate to Them
Well if you have learned to do the above and know how to talk to women to attract and qualify woman with your conversation, the first thing you need to do in a relationship is continue to do the same kind of talk that you did to attract them in the first place. The biggest mistake men make in relating to women is to stop doing the things they did to attract the woman.
This is usually because the guy failed to qualify the woman and got stuck with someone whose personality he really didn’t like. He then did the things he had to do to get her because he wanted sex. Then after he settled and married her or secured her as a girlfriend or moved in with her, he stopped doing the things that he did to attract her because he really didn’t want to do those things in the first place.
Hence, you can see the importance of learning how to talk to women to qualify them.
If you learn how to talk to women in order to qualify women, you will end up with someone you actually enjoy, and relating to them won’t be so hard.
Now depending on the type of “talker” (from the four types above) that you chose, the majority of the time, you will relate to them in the manner their personality dictates. But in a relationship you will usually run into all four types of talk, as no one does just one type of talk 100% of the time. Occasionally you might clash with each other and disagree or just need to talk about something important on which subject you might need to achieve understanding. Other times you might just need some pleasant conversation, other times someone might need to talk for a while simply to achieve emotional release about something.
Then of course there will be the times someone tries to talk to you to create an effect on you or vice versa.
But the personality type that you chose will do one of the above more often than the others, and if you qualified the girl right, you should be ok with that.
But in any case be prepared to listen, listen, listen as long as you are relating, and keep on asking questions because people grow up and change, so you are always sort of qualifying them. And whether your woman is the personality type that talks 80% of the time or the personality type that talks 20% of the time, always listen to everything she says and respond appropriately.
Mr. L. Rx
Like the article “How To Talk To Women”? Then buy the book that covers it all – from meeting, attracting, picking up, flirting with, seducing, and talking to women, to relating to women, securing a girlfriend or wife, recovering a lost girlfriend or wife, and knowing what to do to keep your girlfriend or wife forever – And you can do this no matter what you look like, or how old or how poor you are. – Dating To Relating From A To Z!
Dating to Relating – from A to Z (A man’s guide to Understanding women)
“How I went from Stupid to Smart in just 50 years” or
“How and Why I got more dates with, relationships with and proposals from Hot Young Woman at age 50 than I did at age 25.
(This is an eBook and is available for download immediately after purchase. CLICK HERE TO ORDER BOUND VERSION If you would like a bound version shipped to you.)
How To Talk To Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Attract Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Qualify Them (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Relate To Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
Flirtation is an interesting subject indeed. We all do it at one time or another, in one way or another. Yet some of us do it better and more effectively than others. Would you like to learn how to flirt with women?
Then let’s start by asking what would be better and more effective flirtation? Well let’s look at the definition:
“Playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest.”
So any flirtation that was more effectively arousing sexual interest would be better flirtation by this definition.
Now the problem with flirtation is there is no one way to flirt with women. So when we look at the subject of how to flirt with women, as I have mentioned many, many times in my writings, different people have different personalities. What one person would consider “arousing” another might consider crude, or stupid or childish.
So are there any universal types of behavior that might be effective flirtation when we look at how to flirt with women?
Yes, communication as opposed to no communication. (Notice I said communication – not talking. Communication can be non-verbal.) In other words there has to be a communication in order to flirt. That is a universal attribute of flirtation.
Successful or effective flirtation would create “attraction.” So a communication designed to create sexual attraction or interest would be effective flirtation, despite personality differences.
Now remember, personalities too can vary widely on what is considered “attractive.” If you read my articles on how to meet women in bars and clubs you will remember that in order to create attraction, one type of personality required a direct confident communication said directly to them, whereas another required the opposite, an indirect communication said in their presence but aimed at another.
So “how to flirt with women” can get complicated.
But let’s get back to how to flirt with women and talk about what works most of the time in normal everyday situations – not bars and clubs.
How To Flirt With Women:
1) Smile. Definitely a flirt and usually received as such by most people.
2) Look her in the eyes, without flinching and looking away. (Followed by a “smile” is definitely a top flirt.)
3) Talk to her. Find an obvious excuse to talk to her. “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?” Or “Do you know where there is a bookstore around here?” It doesn’t matter what you say. If you do one and two above then approach and talk to her, she will know you are flirting. And it is a better flirt if you just suggest interest. Telling her how hot she is can be an effective flirt for some women, but will blow a lot of really hot women away. Keep it suggestive, you will do better in the long run.
4) Find an excuse to move in close. (Make sure you smell good when you do.) Hold it for a brief moment or two then back away again. Closeness suggests intimacy. Use it sparingly when you can.
5) Find an excuse to touch her lightly now and again. Touch her arm, her elbow, her hand. Don’t be feely, grabby, that is NOT how to flirt with women, just a light touch then retreat. Again this is a form of closeness that suggests intimacy.
6) Don’t overstay your welcome. Make your flirts short and sweet. Move in, flirt. Leave and do something else. Come back and flirt again. Leave, come back. Keep this sort of cycle going. This kind of flirtation is best done with people you can see again. This won’t work on a woman walking down the street that you won’t ever see again. That would require a different type of flirt strategy and you would have to get her number or something for it to be successful.
7) Now as you get to know her in the steps above, you can extend your “drop ins” and talk a little. Be real, compliment her personality or her taste in clothes, or non-sexual parts of her body (for example, her eyes or hands). Don’t be blatantly sexual. Most of all listen to what she has to say. Play off of that. Flirtation is all about her – not about you. So “how to flirt with women” correctly is done by paying attention to her – so don’t start bragging and talking about yourself.
Now if you do these things you will create a little sexual excitement on the part of most women. I would say about sixty percent of women would respond to the above in a positive way in a normal situation. (Not a bar or club or walking down the street.)
What about the other forty percent? Well that requires about fifteen other strategies. “How to flirt with women” in these cases requires things like “negative sex talk”, ignoring them, being close and ignoring them, paying attention to another woman, being cocky and funny, “positive sex talk”, being super romantic, talking dirty, being shy, etc. Things I talk about elsewhere…..
But let me say one other thing here about flirtation and how to flirt with women correctly with respect to all of these other strategies. Most people think sexual interest and flirtation starts with positive sexual talk, but it doesn’t. The lowest level of flirtation especially in uncomfortable situations is “negative sex talk”.
Negative sexual talk is talking about not having sex, or not wanting to have sex, or talking about someone else who is into sex as creepy, disgusting, or characterizing them in some other negative way, etc. This is the lowest form of sexual interest and flirtation someone can show you. Because they still ARE talking about sex. And they are talking about it with YOU.
People who really aren’t interested in sex or you, don’t bring it up at all, and really don’t get “into it” if you bring it up. I learned about this one day, when I was driving a fellow student home from college. She invited me up to her apartment, but quickly informed me that I couldn’t have sex with her. Since, I had shown her no sexual interest, and since I really wasn’t interested, I found this rather odd. A few weeks later she seduced me. She got me to have sex with her when I didn’t want to and wasn’t really attracted to her. This is when I put it all together. She was attracted to me from the very first. And her negative comment about “not having sex” was the level at which she began her sexual flirting.)
So if a girl is not into flirting at “positive sexual talk” try a little “negative sexual talk” and see what happens. And that my friend is how to flirt with women correctly.
How To Flirt With Women
Mr. L. Rx – “How To Flirt With Women” copyright (c) 2010
Ninety percent of the women I go out with on a first date, want to have a sexual relationship with me by the end of that first date. So guys have asked me, “What is the biggest mistake guys make on the first date that prevents ever having a second date or developing a sexual relationship (rather than a friendship)?”
Well there are several mistakes a guy can make on a first date. Let me summarize them here then go into more detail.
MISTAKES GUYS MAKE ON A FIRST DATE ARE:
1) Talking about yourself too much. Trying to be interesting instead of INTERESTED.
2) NOT ASKING QUESTIONS AND NOT LISTENING ENOUGH.
3) FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON SEX– either overtly or by innuendo.
4) NOT USING SUBTLETIES ENOUGH (What a woman understands).
5) NOT DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.
6) NOT CREATING FUTURE. (A relationship is ALL about FUTURE.)
The first mistake that most guys make is that they go on the first date and talk all about themselves, sort of strut around telling the girl that he’s got this car, and he’s got this job and he talks and talks and talks, bragging about this and that, trying to impress the girl that he is a good catch.
The guy thinks he is making a good first date impression. But what the girl sees on this first date is a self-centered egomaniac that isn’t going to be able to take care of her at all, because he is not interested in her and doesn’t listen to what she has to say. Not a good relationship prospect. Not a good first date impression.
Another way of saying it is that guys try to be interesting. They figure they have to be interesting for a girl to be interested in them. Sorry guys, but it doesn’t work that way. You have to be INTERESTED in the girl, not INTERESTING to get her attention. Did you ever see two interesting people on a first date. It is hilarious! They are both so busy trying to be interesting to the other that neither has time to be interested in the other.
Want to make a good first date impression on a woman? Then be INTERESTED.
If you don’t know what I am talking about, then think of a typical first date. What makes you feel better, a girl who is INTERESTED in you? or a girl who is telling you how cool she is, how hot she is, etc. and all kinds of other INTERESTING things?
INTERESTING leads to a lot of rejection and “platonic” friendships by the way. Girls will be friends with a guy who is really interesting. Why? Girls like to be amused and entertained. Interesting men are sort of like children to them. A source of non-sexual amusement and pleasure….. and the guy wonders why women just want to be friends with him after the first date.
Then there are the guys who are SCARED S***less and don’t know what to say on a first date. So they say all kinds of useless and banal and irrelevant stuff to again be INTERESTING to the girl.
Then there are guys who dread silence on a first date. So whenever there is a silent moment they feel awkward and have to fill the silence with some noise, so they open their mouths and say something trite and banal again just to keep the conversation going and again to be INTERESTING to the girl. THEY AREN’T. You don’t have to fill silence with verbal chatter. Maybe it is a good time for some non-verbal communication like a smile, or a light touch.
Ninety percent of the girls I have a first date with want to go out with me again and have a relationship with me. WHY? Well the biggest factor is I am INTERESTED in getting to know them. So I never come scripted, I am always just there and I ask questions designed to get to know the person in front of me. THE SECRET: Well, I just said part of it, so here is all of it,
I AM INTERESTED. I ASK QUESTIONS and then I LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Based on the answer they give, I may ask another question or I might say something that I know they would be interested in knowing because of what they just said.
MOST of the time I spend about 80% of my time on a date LISTENING. Girls like that. And that is the way best you can approach a first date. Be willing to listen!
ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE GUYS MAKE on a first date that prevents a second date is putting too much conversation attention on sex, sexual topics, sexual innuendos, and her looks.
ALL WOMEN THINK that ALL GUYS JUST WANT SEX. So basically, they are right and guys have to realize that girls have our number and are not impressed by it. GIRLS already KNOW you want sex. She wouldn’t even be there on the first date, if she weren’t vaguely OK with the concept of having sex with you. What she wants to know is: WHAT ELSE do you want? What ELSE do you like about her? What ELSE can you do for her? What ELSE do you have in common with her? How ELSE can you have fun together?
So, LISTEN to what she talks about, because if you listen you will get clues.
GIRLS communicate in SUBTLETIES and like to be communicated to with SUBTLETIES.
As a rule I NEVER tell a good looking woman she is good looking until the third or fourth date. That is a subtle communication that tells her that I am not like all the other guys who kiss her behind.
So, you see, you don’t have to tell a woman how pretty she is on a first date. (Especially if she is gorgeous, because she gets so much of this so often, it actually becomes a turn-off to her.) You can compliment her on her dress, or her shoes, or you can say she has a nice personality (find something non-sexual you like about her and compliment it) or you could say (but only once and non-repetitively) she has pretty eyes, or a cute nose, or a nice smile, or she has pretty hands. (Always pick a non-sexual part of the body to compliment).
So if you don’t talk about yourself and sex. What DO you talk about on a first date? Talk about whatever the girl wants to talk about. LISTEN, and base your conversation off of what she is interested in. Ask questions about her . BUT you should have two goals for the night..
First Date Goals:
1) DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.
Now you don’t want to TALK about SEXUAL stuff too much, but that does not mean you don’t want to get the old sexual juices going. BUT you do that mostly non-verbally (unless she starts a sexual conversation with you.)
Now some of the DATING GURUS have real good courses on how a man can be sexy and get a woman’s attention sexually. (David DeAngelo’s course comes to mind.) And this is an in depth topic that is much too deep for my article here. So let’s just say it is done with posture, manners, attitude, movement, voice rhythms, and the occasional moving in close and the withdrawing, or light touch or holding of the hand momentarily. Verbally it is done with the right gradient of topic. If you do it right, the woman will always give you a goodnight kiss as a way of further testing that sector out, and let you know by her non-verbal signals, whether you should continue or just let it go with a simple light kiss. It is better to develop it, make the woman want more, and walk away than to overreach and destroy everything else you have built up here. A simple hug, or a light kiss or the cheek or the mouth is what I do on 90% of the time on a first date that I am interested in.
2) CREATE FUTURE
What is future? Well, if you are going to have a relationship with someone, rather than just a first-date-goodbye. You have to have some future interaction. AND FUTURE IS NOT, “Can we go out again sometime?” That is definitely NOT FUTURE. That is a plea! Begging! And this will definitely scare them away. (Watch “Blind Date” on TV some time.)
Future is scheduling something that you both would be interested in doing for whatever reasons, sometime in the future. Something with value to both of you. YOU may want to have SEX with the girl right away in the future. BUT SHE DOESN’T- not yet. She wants to get to know you a little better. So FUTURE is a way that she can get to know you a little better, before deciding if she wants to have a sexual relationship with you or not. GIRLS LIKE THAT. And girls like guys who understand that.
YOU SEE, the girl wouldn’t go out on the first date with you if there weren’t some possibility that she could have sex with you. (BEING THERE is a subtle communication. She wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t somewhat interested.) So, unless you blow it, you will get sex eventually. HOWEVER, most guys DO blow it 9 out of 10 times instead of closing as I do 9 out of 10 times.
So how to create FUTURE? Well on a first date it is relatively easy. APPLY what I have said above. ASK QUESTIONS and LISTEN. She will tell you something that gives you a subtle opportunity to see her again, and it should be something she would be really interested in and it won’t scare her off.
EXAMPLE OF WHAT WORKS:
While you are listening she talks about the math class she is taking in college she is having trouble with. You happen to be a math genius. You simply say, “Well, I am really good at math. If you would like some help with your homework, let me know.” Then shut up. If she is interested in you, she will take the bait and say, “Yeah, oh I would so appreciate that” or something of the sort. If you have totally blown it by now and she doesn’t want your help despite her learning disability, she won’t take the bait. THAT WON’T HAPPEN unless you violated something else I have talked about here, and you talked about yourself too much, tried to be interesting, didn’t listen, talked about sex or how pretty she was too much.
Another example is, while you are listening she says how she really likes to go dancing. So if you like dancing you say, “Really? Me too. I love dancing, let’s do that sometime.” Or if you don’t like to dance, don’t lie. Say, “Really? Then maybe you could help me because I don’t know a thing about dancing but I think it’s time I learned. Do you think you could teach me a little sometime?”
GET IT? Come up with something you guys could do in the future that she and you would really like to do, that’s not a first date plea, “Can we go out again?”
By the way, FUTURE is the key to meeting girls on the street, in the store, etc. Lots of girls will give you their phone numbers but about 90% of the beautiful women I know say they would never have a relationship with someone they met that way. BUT if you can establish FUTURE right there on the street or on the first call you can destroy those odds. And REMEMBER FUTURE is NOT, “Can we go out sometime?” To a woman that just means you want sex, and you are asking for it before you have established any other value to her.
You see, meeting girls who work in stores or restaurants is easier than stopping them on the street, because the situation already has future built in. You know where they work, you can come back again and again, she can get to know you, FUTURE you see.
But, stopping a girl on the street and establishing FUTURE. Now that can be a challenge. But, I’ve done it. Many times. You apply the same principles above. Don’t talk about yourself. Be interested in her. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. When she says the opportune thing that you can tell has value to her then jump right in with some FUTURE.
Mr. L. Rx
Like the article? Then buy the book that covers it all – from meeting, attracting, picking up, flirting with, seducing, and talking to women, to relating to women, securing a girlfriend or wife, recovering a lost girlfriend or wife, and knowing what to do to keep your girlfriend or wife forever – And you can do this no matter what you look like, or how old or how poor you are. – Dating To Relating From A To Z!
Dating to Relating – from A to Z (A man’s guide to Understanding women)
“How I went from Stupid to Smart in just 50 years” or
“How and Why I got more dates with, relationships with and proposals from Hot Young Woman at age 50 than I did at age 25.
(This is an eBook and is available for download immediately after purchase. CLICK HERE TO ORDER BOUND VERSION If you would like a bound version shipped to you.)
Excerpt From Dating To Relating – From A to Z – “How To Pick Up Women in Bars and Clubs”
EXAMPLES
Let me give you some concrete examples of what I am talking about. Here is what I did 25 years a go in the bars to pick up women. And by the way, I’ve tested it, and it still works today!
First of all I stood around for about a month and did nothing. I was scared shitless. I had just gotten divorced (from a wife who was also my first girl friend) and I was shy and didn’t have much experience with women.
Love Girls: So for the first month I just stood around and observed. One of the things I observed early on was Love Girls. Love Girls were women who came into the bar usually late (about 11 or 12) and basically they were looking to get laid. They were great looking, confident women. They always walked in alone (NOT with a girl friend) and they walked slowly and sexily through the club. They looked every man in their path directly in the eyes, but I observed the typical guy would get shy and embarrassed and would look away. He would then gulp down some alcohol and I could see him trying to build up his courage to go back at her. However, the Love Girls would move on and if no guy did the right thing she would walk through the club and then LEAVE. (She wanted to get laid and wasn’t going to waste time with a bunch of losers who didn’t know how to pick up women. She would just move on to the next club.)
Every once in awhile, however, I would notice some guy would walk up to one of these Love Girls as she walked buy and simply ask her to dance. “Would you like to dance.” Nothing more and nothing less. I then noticed whenever this happened the “Love Girl” would always say “Yes” no matter what the guy looked like and then they would go out on the dance floor and dance for half and hour or so, then they would leave together.
So after a few observations, I tried it. I walked right up to a Love Girl and said “Would you like to dance” she said “Yes” We danced for awhile, definitely in the sex grove, then I asked her if she wanted to go to my place. Again she said “yes.” We went to my place and of course had sex.
Pick up women? This was easy!
Not only did it work with the first “Love Girl”, but it worked over and over again. All I had to do was SPOT a love girl– by her characteristic walk, dress, attitude, confront, etc. then the rest was easy. Then I got even smarter when I spotted this band one day. There were a dozen or so Love Girls in the audience. But NOW they were REALLY horny because they all thought this band was real sexy. Well this time, I just turned to the girl in back of me who was real hot and sexy, and with out a word I just started kissing her (remember this was the 70’s before AIDS. So I wouldn’t do and wouldn’t suggest stuff like this now. I am just using it for illustration PURPOSES.) She kissed me back, and after a few moment of making out , without a word, I took her hand and we went out side to the parking lot, got in my car, and had sex right there, then came back into the club, when we were done. I don’t know and never even asked her her name.
Pick up women? This was easy pickings!
After that, I made a point of getting this band’s schedule and started following them. Worked Like a charm. A number of years later I also found that if I went to the bars that had the male stripper shows for girls only, right after the show was over, there were always a bunch of horny Love Girls on the spot no fail. What an easy was to pick up women!
Pick Up Women
The Tease: Another observation I made over the course of time were the beautiful women, who purposely teased men. They flirted with you, but when you went over to hit on them, they would eventually go cold, after a while they would totally ignore you. This tease left you totally confused, after all, how many women flirt with you, hit up on you? She had to like you right? Well, these girls always had a cadre of frustrated men following them wherever they went, kissing their assess and confused.
Pick up women? These women were hard!
But I began to notice that the only guys who ever left with these teases, or ended up dating them, were the guys who totally ignored them, who seemed like they could care less, Then one day I just got it. It came to me in a brainstorm. I realized that you had to ignore a tease, get her to hit on you and keep her hitting on you all the way into bed by continuing to ignore her. But the question was: How do you communicate to some one you are ignoring? Well the answer ended up in a technique similar to what “Mystery” uses now a day. I would simply walk over to one of theses hot teases, position myself right next to her (but not looking at her–sort of shoulder to shoulder–close enough that she could hear me but not close enough that she would take my position as showing any interest in her) and then I would wait for another hot girl to walk by or close. As soon as one did, I would shake my head as if to myself, and mutter some comment such as “Is she hot or what?” or “Wow.”
No matter what I said it was always a comment on how hot the girl who walked by was. I would always end the comment by looking at the tease, as if she were just some stranger, who I was randomly expressing my delight in “the girl who just walked by” to. WITHOUT FAIL, the tease would very shortly always then tell me in one way or another that guys do to her what I just did to this other girl ALL the time.
Pick up women? Hmmmm, I was getting warm!
(NOW HERE IS THE CLOSE) I would look at her like she was a little nuts, like she wasn’t hot at all, but would say very politely (as if feigning politeness) “Really” or some such comment to get her to talk some more. (Of course they would always go on and on at this point trying to convince me how hot they were, and after 15-30 minutes or so, I would say something like “Look, maybe you ARE a good looking women, it’s just perhaps hard for me to see it because you are definitely NOT my type” (I would then describe my type to be the opposite of whatever they were. If they were blonde I liked brunettes. If they had big ones, I liked little ones, etc.) Then I would say “But did you ever consider that perhaps men like you NOT for the way you look, but for your personality, because after listening to you here for awhile, I THINK you have a great personality and maybe that is why men like you.
After those words the Tease was mine. They would invariably say. “Oh my god, I have never met a guy like you in my life. I can’t believe you. I have never had a guy say he likes my personality. (Rightfully so, because they were usually perceived by men as cold bitches.) You are so interesting…
From that point, the girl would invite me out, and generally increase the gradient of flirting and teasing to get a reaction out of me as she typically got from all those other men, and when she didn’t get the reaction, she would up the ante of flirting, until she eventually, jumped me (had sex with me) to get a reaction. (It usually took 3 dates.) But, of course, I knew from months of observation, that if I ever admitted I was attracted to her, if, I ever took the lead and hit on her, or let her know that I was really attracted to her and was lying, it would be over. So, I never did. Instead, I only complimented her personality, and if I said anything about her physically, I always did it as if I was being polite and trying not to hurt her feelings. Or I would say something that gave her a sense of progress (the idea that they were winning me over) but never a full compliment–something like “You are still not my type, but you are looking more attractive to me then when I first met you. Who knows, maybe I COULD see you as totally beautiful some day. “Eventually, as I said, they would tease me all the way into bed. And even after sex, when they asked me “Was it good” I would simply respond ” it was Ok…but that is not important, what is important is that you are a great person, and I really like you.” (Now this was never hard to do, because Teases without variation, were the worse lovers as a group that I ever met.)
Pick up women? Wow! This worked like a charm!
After a while I got to understand what was really going on with these girls and why they did what they did. They were all beautiful girls who were made to feel unconfident as children. They were all told they were ugly and such things, when they in fact weren’t. So they grew up with low self esteem and were actually very afraid of men. Somewhere along the line, however, they learned that men reacted well to them and that they could get men to do anything they wanted by flirting with them. In their minds, they still did not think men did this because they were good looking, they just thought men did it because men were horny and easy to manipulate. So, when they flirt with a man, and the man reaches and aggresses back, these girls basically get scared and run away. They are working on their self confidence, however, that is why they are in the bar every day or every weekend. And when I didn’t aggress against them sexually, but told them I liked them, I gave them a safe zone. They weren’t afraid of me. So they raised the bar and tried to “win me over” so to speak. Winning me over, made them feel better about themselves. And of course got me laid. This strategy worked 100% of the time.
Pick up women.
Then there were the regular girls, I use to call them GRADIENT GIRLS. I called them that because after a lot of observations I noticed that to pick up women of this type, there was a gradient scale of sexual reach or interest I had to use. Here it is:
First there is negative sexual talk. (This is talking about not having sex, or not wanting to have sex, or talking about someone else who is into sex as creepy, disgusting, or characterizing them in some other negative way, etc. This is the lowest form of sexual interest someone can show you. Because they still ARE talking about sex. And they are talking about it with YOU. People who really aren’t interested in sex or you don’t bring it up at all, and really don’t get “into it” if you bring it up. I learned about this one day, when I was driving a fellow student home from college. She invited me up to her apartment, but quickly informed me that I couldn’t have sex with her. Since, I had shown her no sexual interest, and since I really wasn’t interested, I found this rather odd. A few weeks later she seduced me. She got me to have sex with her when I didn’t want to and wasn’t really attracted to her. This is when I put it all together. She was attracted to me from the very first. And her negative comment about “not having sex” was the level at which she began her sexual flirting.) Now keep this in mind because if you want to pick up women, learning negative sex talk is a must.
Then positive sexual talk.
Then Eye Contact
Then slight brief touching
Then extended touching.
Then kissing,
Petting,
Heavy petting,
Intercourse.
Now most people think sexual interest starts and “how to pick up women” starts with positive sexual talk, but it doesn’t. And the funny thing about this gradient scale is that you have to match the level the other person is at or you can lose a prospect very quickly. So if a girl is into flirting at “negative sexual talk” and you try to come on her at “positive sexual talk” you will lose her.
Now most of your regular girls hanging out in clubs, whether with or without girlfriends, have a negative view towards guys. They think guys who are there just want to pick up women and have sex, etc. And they are probably right. So the way I would come on to a regular girl in a club, was simple. I would stand next to her (similar to the Tease Girl above) and wait for some guy to hit on some girls in a stupid way that confirms what most girls thinks about guys. I would then make a comment about how stupid that was, etc. sort of out loud to myself or whomever was around (sort of like I did with the Tease Girl) ending by looking at her in disbelief. She would then chime in very quickly about how stupid it was, and from there I would lead the conversation into a negative “sex talk” about how I hated clubs, hated all the games and meat market stuff that goes on, etc. This would usually go on for about 15-30 minutes and then she would invariably say the magic words: “But you are different” to which I would reply “Yeah, you are different too.” From there it could go in many directions depending on the girls. We might dance, or continue in an engaging conversation, but now the conversation was into positive sexual talk, from there we would start with the little touches etc, and eventually it would lead to making out, petting, heavy petting, kissing, etc.
Pick Up Women
Now none of these techniques are “Cocky and Funny” or any such, and by the way Cocky and Funny DOES work on a small band of girls in the club (and in life) too. I would label them the Boredom girls.
But if you want to learn how to pick up women successfully and in quantity, here is the principal behind Cocky and Funny and the Love Girl, Tease Girl and Regular Girl techniques. And that principal is not to be “Cocky and Funny” but rather to be “Interesting and Unique.”
You see the guy who has the balls to walk up to and confront the horny “Love Girl” is interesting and unique to her because most guys are too scared to do it. But he is definitely Not Cocky and Funny. He only has to open his mouth and confidently ask her to dance. The guy who tells the “Tease Girl” she’s not that hot, but has a good personality is “Interesting and Unique” to her, because ALL guys reach at these girls and tell then how beautiful they are. The guy who can dish out negative sex talk to a “Regular Girl” is “Interesting and Unique” to her because she never finds guys like this in the club. And of course the Boredom Girls, who get guy after guy after guy hitting on them and kissing their ass find “Cocky and Funny” totally Interesting and Unique. Boredom girls are a kind of a random, casual and pointless-talk band of girl, and Cocky and Funny is random and pointless talk. The other techniques are more directed.
There are other types of girls too. And combination of types. We will go over some of these others in later chapters.
Some techniques are Quick and Easy and some techniques are pure seduction and can take a very long time. We will also go over some of these in later chapters.
Mr. L. Rx
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How To Pick Up Women In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Bars (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Out And About (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Dance Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Clubbing (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Bar Hopping (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women While Clubbing (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Hanging Out In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Frequenting Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Dancing In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
Last week one of my friends asked a question about how to approach women, that I thought was worth discussing. He asked me how to overcome fears that pop up sometimes when we approach women for the first time or even the hundredth time – fears we get even when things are going good.
The truth is it is not an easy question to answer as it varies from person to person. There are literally entire books that have been written on the subject of how to approach women. However, one of the best techniques I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.
What are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you will fail. If you keep trying it over and over you will start building up a “complex” about failing, and soon not try anymore.
If you try to jump up five or six steps on your first try, it will also be scary – not necessarily impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences jumping that high you will fail too.
The right approach is to take the first step and then advance, one step at a time. It is the most comfortable way to climb a ladder.
Approach Women
Here are some examples of how I apply that to overcome fears that pop up in approaching women for the first time or one hundredth time.
As most guys do, I often go out to approach women in a social setting. This can be especially scary. So when I am approaching a beautiful woman in a social setting, rather than telling her how beautiful she is and how much I am attracted to her (which exposes my fear of being shot down in front of a lot of people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say, “Hi.” If a girl likes you or is interested in you she will find a way to continue the conversation. If she doesn’t then I know she is not interested in me and the simple “Hi” just appears that I am friendly, not necessarily even flirting, so I don’t feel shot down in front of other people.
If I am starting to date a girl and I feel fearful about approaching her on taking the next step of getting intimate with her, I don’t ask her, “Do you want to get intimate?” I take a lower gradient and ask her if she wants to relax, get cozy, and just watch TV at my house. If she doesn’t want to get intimate she certainly won’t want to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or rather than trying to suddenly “kiss her”, I will simply hold her hand or give her light touches every now and again to see how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will start touching me back to give me the go ahead signal.
Sometimes when I am fearful of confronting a woman about making a move, I even use “multiple choice” as a test of gradients. When planning a date and fearful to approach her directly on the subject of coming over to my house, I might say, “Do you want to (a) go to a movie? (b) go out to dinner? (c) meet up with our friends at the party? or (d) stay home and watch TV and cuddle?
That way I don’t feel rejected if she doesn’t choose (d) as I didn’t directly suggest that we had to do that. But if she does select (d) I know she is ready to take it to the next level.
These are some examples. When you feel uncomfortable and fearful whether approaching a woman for the first time or someone you are dating, on a subject matter you are uncomfortable with, just try to think of a lower gradient that isn’t as scary and allows you to make forward progress toward your goal. If you do this you will learn how to approach women and how to relate to them very quickly.
How To Approach Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
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– 1/19/09 
