A lot of guys think that foreplay is having to kiss your girlfriend or wife before she lets you have intercourse. Well a lot of guys think they are great lovers, but a lot of women have other thoughts about that…. I have different thoughts about foreplay.
Foreplay, what is that? Good question.
Foreplay is whatever creates a little sex flow between you and your girl and holds it there in place so she and you can think about it and enjoy the build up and anticipation of what is eventually to come.
Another way of saying it is that foreplay is what “gets you or your partner ready” for the sex act. Since guys are just about biologically ready for the sex act “all the time”, guys seem to forget the value of foreplay, after all, it is something they have to do for someone else — not themselves.
Bad way of looking at it. Why? Foreplay is not just for established couples already having sex. Foreplay is what prepares a woman to have sex with you. Hence, any woman you would like to have sex with that you are NOT having sex with would require foreplay.
So foreplay has a role in meeting women, attracting women, picking up women, dating women, having a relationship with women, and making love to women.
Flirting is foreplay….
I got married at 22 to my first girlfriend, and though I had sex for 5 or 6 years before we got divorced, I never actually made love until after I broke up with and divorced my wife. Why? We were both pretty inexperienced. Looking back, we had plenty of sex, but hardly any foreplay. The first time I actually made love, I was seduced. And there was hours and hours of foreplay.
So after getting divorced, I stood around bars and clubs nightly for a month or two. After a while I started learning a few things. Then I started having sex daily (one night standers) with different women. (This was the 70’s — free love — pre-AIDS.) Man, did I get a lot of experience then. These woman taught me stuff. Stuff, I didn’t know, but now do.
One of the things I learned is that women like and need foreplay to enjoy sex. And apparently it made it a whole lot better for me too!
A Woman’s, unlike a man’s , sexual organ takes a while to physically respond to sexual stimuli and urges. Men can be ready in a minute, women take a little longer. But mentally I think men and woman are more even. Foreplay can mentally prepare either sex in such a way as to make the love making experience a whole lot better.
I feel that usually at least an hour of bedroom foreplay is a minimal amount of time to prepare myself and a woman both mentally and physically for the sex act.
But foreplay can go on longer than that….
Foreplay.
The best kind of foreplay is Romance….you know, shopping with your girl in the mall, holding hands as you walk, having a sexy conversation and flirtation at lunch. Little kisses and touches throughout the day. Getting so turned on that you both can’t wait to go home.
Foreplay can go on for hours and hours and hours.
When you are in the bedroom, foreplay is kissing and kissing and kissing, touching, touching and touching. It can be role playing, talking about your fantasies, taking a bath or shower together, feeding each other, or watching sexy movies, or whatever other little sexy games you are into, if you are into that.
So how do you know when it is the right time to end the foreplay and start in on the sex act itself? Well, when you are young and stupid, you don’t think about anyone but yourself. You start kissing your girl and a minute later you have an erection. Two minutes later you have her clothes off and you are trying to stick it in. Why? Because your thought is “If I’m feeling it, she must be feeling it too. See she’s kissing me passionately isn’t she? She must be feeling it.” But, when you try to put it in, it won’t go, so she offers to get out the old lubricant. She does and 10 minutes later it is all over. “I didn’t have an orgasm,” she complains. “You want me to do something?” you ask, even though you are really no longer interested. “Never mind,” she says.
It is a shame how many women out there have never been made love to properly. It is amazing how many women think that lubricant is normal, have never had a vaginal orgasm, or have never experienced multiple orgasms.
MEN, good sex for woman starts with FOREPLAY. Consider this your call to duty!
So, here are some basic principles for guys in relationships (if you want to know how to use foreplay to meet and attract and pick up women, see some of my other articles):
1) Always devote at least an hour to foreplay when you are in the bedroom. And use romance as foreplay throughout the week, days, and hours leading up to the bedroom. Women like to talk. Talking (and you listening) can be a very sexy foreplay for a woman.
2) Never, never, never, try to have intercourse with a woman until her private parts are soaking wet with anticipation. If she is not wet, she is not ready. She needs more foreplay. (And actually even if she is soaking wet, she probably still wants more.)
3) Always, always, always make sure your girl has an orgasm before you do. Why? Because it is no fun having sex with someone who only takes care of themselves and then is too tired to do anything about you. If your girl has multiple orgasms then she might need to orgasm two, three or four times before you do. If you don’t know what multiple orgasms are then try some more foreplay and look up “tantra technique” on the internet. Not all women have multiple orgasms, but if you do your part right, most are capable of it.
Now these are generalizations, there are exceptions to the things I have written here. (For example, there is a small percentage of women who always need lubricant because of a medical condition.) But, if you know anything about my philosophy, from my other in depth writing, you know I am totally into situational technique. But the above is fairly consistent for about 80% of women I’ve experienced.
Foreplay
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Dating to Relating – from A to Z (A man’s guide to Understanding women)
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How To Get Your Wife or Girlfriend To Want More Sex
The biggest complaint that guys in relationships have is not getting enough sex from their wife or girlfriend. I often get the question, “Why don’t women want more sex?” or “How do I get more sex from my girl?”
In a recent AskMen.com poll 44% of men said (when asked about their overall sex life): “I wish I had sex more frequently.”
On our website, DatingToRelating.com, in a poll of single men “How to Get Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Want More Sex” and “How To Get Sex More Often” were two of the books single men were most interested in reading.
In other words men want more sex from women, and want to learn how to get more sex from women.
Guys I’ve talked to sometimes think that women just aren’t as sexual or into sex as much as guys. That women don’t want more sex.
My experience, however, has been to the contrary. Women are by far MORE sexual and enjoy sex much more than men do. Their orgasms typically last longer and as a group they are much more capable of multiple orgasms than men.
Yet, is very typical to hear a married guy complain that he only gets sex from his wife or girlfriend once a month. And of course it has been the subject of many a comedy on TV and in the movies.
So why is it, if women are more sexual than men (and probably want more sex too) that men are the ones who are usually complaining about not getting enough sex?
Want More Sex?
The answer lies in two differences between men and women.
1) Women don’t get physically turned on as easily as men. And conversely women get turned off more easily than men. So if I guy is not doing or saying the right things to his girl, she won’t get turned on, and in fact might get turned off and not want more sex.
2) Combine that with the fact that women have one ability that men don’t have and you will start to get a better understanding of the situation. Even though women are more sexual and enjoy sex more deeply than men are capable of, women are also capable of going without sex for longer periods of time. Women are not as sexually “needy” as men. They want more sex but don’t need more sex.
Let’s put it another way – Sex is first and foremost a “quality” thing for women.
Look at some of the women’s complaints in polls:
90% of women reported that they wished their partner kissed them more or with more passion.
65% of women felt their partner did not have a good kissing technique.
So you see men are more into quantity and women are more into quality.
But, here is what you should know, if you give a women the “quality” of sexual relations that she is desiring then she will want the quantity. She will want more sex. And when you really turn your woman on, and she is in the quality and quantity mode, most women will have most men on the mat screaming “No Mas” in a short period of time.
So if your woman is not having sex with you as frequently as you’d like, then you can safely assume that you are not doing something right in the “quality” department. You are either turning her off or not turning her on – in any case you are doing something wrong. And that is why she doesn’t want more sex.
Now, what do guys do wrong to mess up the frequency of their sex life? Well, there are probably hundreds of answers to that one and millions of unique variations on the theme. But, here are some of the more basic and frequent mistakes that men make in their relationships with women.
First let’s look at what guys can do to turn women off.
1) Being a slob, smelly, or physically disgusting. I don’t think I have to go into this too much, but if you want more sex, you might try approaching your woman when you are fresh and clean, rather than dirty and smelly. If you like to have sex when you go to bed at night, try taking a shower first. Make sure she knows you are doing that, then get romantic.
2) Not taking care of your responsibilities as a man. Most often it is not about being dirty and smelly but about not doing your job as a man. Men are supposed to support a family. They are supposed to take care of women. Although women are liberated these days and work and earn money like men, that doesn’t mean that having to work and support a family turns them on. Most women are okay with contributing to the support of the family unit or boyfriend/girlfriend team, but when they start contributing more than the man and the man is plainly not doing his fair share because he is lazy or some such other trait, that’s when women get a little turned off and resentful and consequently don’t want more sex.
3) Sometimes, it is not about career and the responsibilities of manhood, but about equality of effort and fair exchange amongst group members. So when the guy and the woman both have jobs and the guy is holding his own and even making a little more than the woman, that is all good except when they both come home and she is expected to clean up the house and do his laundry while he sits around lazily and drinks beer. I’ll tell you that certainly doesn’t make a woman want more sex with you.
You see, all of the above scenarios are mood killers for women. Even though women may tolerate some of these behaviors at first, in a long term relationship these kinds of behaviors eventually catch up with them and start killing the mood and create an overall atmosphere where they don’t want more sex.
4) On top of that is communication. Because of the above perceived inequities women will start “bitching” at men about their career or their responsibilities or their chores at home, etc. When men are unresponsive to communication, to discussing and handling the complaints, etc. there is only one direction for the communication to go – less sex. She is not turned on. She can’t change anything about it with communication, so she just becomes not interested in sex . Some women may even consciously withhold sex on purpose to get across to you that “something is wrong” and that “we need to talk.” So when it looks like a woman doesn’t want more sex, it could be a cry for communication.
When a guy still doesn’t get what this “lack of sexual interest” is really about, the relationship becomes doomed to one of mediocrity or eventual breakup.
I think the majority of “lack of sexual interest” exhibited by women is the result of the above perceived inequities – which really just turn women off sexually.
Occasionally however, it is not because of the above, it is because of a failure to turn women on properly, that sexual interest is lost. A woman may not want more sex because a man is just failing to turn her on.
Most commonly it is actually both things at once, because most men who are turning women off are simultaneously failing to turn them on. So most guys who are not getting sex often enough need to work both on turning women on as well as not turning women off. However, occasionally there are guys who are not turning women off, they just aren’t doing a very good job at turning women on. That is an easier case to handle.
What mistakes do guys make in regards to turning women on? Here are the four most common mistakes that I find men making with respect to turning women on and getting them to want more sex.
1) No Romance – Now I’ve talked about this one extensively in my other writings. So let me just put it simply here. You can’t stop romancing a girl after you get her to be your girlfriend or wife. Whatever you did to get the girl, you have to keep doing it, do it more extensively, find new ways of doing it, etc. As long as you want to keep creating a relationship with this person, you have to keep creating romance with them. Romance will definitely make a woman want more sex!
2) Boring Sexual Routine – Sometimes people fall into a sexual routine that is fun a first but becomes boring when done day after day, night after night. Try some new things, vary the routine. It will help keep things fresh and interesting between the two of you. Talk about your likes and desires and new things you would like to try. Talk about your fantasies. Be willing to do things she would like to do in exchange for trying things you would like to do. If you run out of ideas, we have a free mini-course on our website, “How To Be a Great Lover” and other free materials to help you out with ideas. If you become a decent lover, women will want more sex from you.
3) Not understanding a woman’s body – a lot of guys, especially the younger ones, don’t understand a woman’s body. Women need more preparatory (before actual sex) stimulation than men. Men only have to think about it and seem to be ready to do the deed. Women need to think about it and think about it and think about it to become interested and turned on.
Extensive foreplay is a necessity for women to get physically ready and mentally ready to enjoy and get into sex. Talking, having a romantic dinner, holding hands, kissing for hours (like you did on your first dates) all prepares a woman’s body for sex and turns her on. Never, never, never try to have intercourse with a woman until she is turned on. Keep kissing, keep touching, but never have intercourse until she is totally turned on. If you do this all the time she will definitely start to want more sex.
4) Not taking a woman to multiple orgasms. Practically any woman is capable of multiple orgasms. Many think they aren’t so they don’t try and many aren’t turned on enough or are a little turned off by their lover so that prevents them from having multiple orgasms.
The reality though is practically all women can have multiple orgasms. Some need some time between orgasms, while others are little orgasmic machines that can continue having orgasm after orgasm for hours on end. The ability to orgasm and to have multiple orgasm can be developed in women who think they are incapable by a knowledgeable man.
This is a subject that books are written on and if you don’t know how to make a women orgasm then I suggest you get one and learn how to make a woman orgasm. (See “How to Make Any Woman Orgasm” on our website.)
Give women multiple orgasms and they definitely will want more sex!
Making a women multiple orgasm is simple. You need to learn to observe your partner’s body. Learn and understand how it works. Some men are even unsure if a woman is even having an orgasm.
If you are observant you will start to observe and know when she is having an orgasm. Sometimes you can feel the orgasm tighten around you as you are having sex, other times you can feel the woman’s whole body tighten as she begins to orgasm, sometimes there is quiver or a vibration from her as she begins to orgasm, other times she begins to get vocal as she orgasms, or the opposite, she becomes silent as she begins to orgasm. My experience is that women who have multiple orgasms want more sex.
Each woman is uniquely different from my experiences, but any woman can be figured out if you just become observant.
For some women multiple orgasms are achieved outside of intercourse. My last girlfriend liked to have the first orgasm by finger or hand, the second by mouth, and the third and subsequent orgasms by intercourse. She was married to a man who didn’t know how to give her multiple orgasms before me. Man did this woman want more sex from me. She NEVER turned me down – two , three times a day.
The above may work well for a woman who becomes dry or irritated by intercourse after her first orgasm, but you can also do the reverse in that case, depending on the woman — first orgasm by intercourse then second or third orgasm by mouth or hand. Knowing which way to go can also make a woman want more sex.
For some women, orgasms are always achieved outside of intercourse. Sometimes two bodies just don’t fit together the right way to naturally create an orgasm for the woman. Be willing to give your partner an orgasm each time you have sex, any way you can – by finger or hand, by mouth, or by machine if you have to.
Please your partner. Do whatever it takes. Always think of her and her pleasure first. If you do so, I guarantee she will want more sex.
As a rule I always give my partner her orgasm or orgasms first before I orgasm as it is much harder (both physically and mentally) to give your partner an orgasm when you are flaccid.
If you learn to make a woman orgasm and multiple orgasm each time you have sex with her and you don’t do the big mistakes to turn her off up above, I guarantee you she will give you all the sex you want.
I’ve even had relationships in which we totally did not get along, but the sex was so good for her, that she could not break up with me, and even after we did break up, she would keep coming back for sex.
In conclusion, if you learn to 1) NOT do the things that turn women off, and 2) do the things that turn women on, you will probably get more sex out of your woman than you can handle. Then I will have to answer your questions when you write to me like this:
“My girl and I really have fantastic sex, and I really love her, but please, she is wearing me out, I can’t keep up with her demands for sex. What do I do to slow her down, without offending her? I don’t want more sex!”
Mr. L. Rx
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How To Get Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Want More Sex
Women like sex just as much as men do. Any notion to the contrary is uneducated and inexperienced folly.Women probably do not “need” to have sex as frequently as men “need” to have sex, but, their like of and enjoyment of sex is as great if not greater than men’s.
When a man is not getting as much sex as he would like in a relationship with a wife or girlfriend, he DEFINITELY is doing something wrong.
In this incisive and frank book, Mr. L. Rx outlines a program for men to eliminate their mistakes, and more importantly to increase the sexual desire from their wives and girlfriends.
Topics covered include what men do to “turn” women on and off, how to use “foreplay,” “body language,” “dress,” and “romance” to create sexual interest in a woman your are in a relationship with, and a frank education in “sexual techniques” that will drive any woman wild and wanting maximum sex from you.
Dating activity is not a separate beast. Rather, exercising successful dating practices is a way to learn about and better understand women so that you can establish a good healthy relationship.
Dating is basically a time (or at least should be a time) when a person meets lots of people and formulates opinions and ideas about what kind of partner one gets along with best, is most productive with, and enhances or completes one’s own abilities.
In order to do this, usually you have to meet a variety of people and see how it goes. Dating people doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have sex with them, it just means you are going out with them, spending time with them, hanging out with them and getting to know them.
The most important dating principle of all is to meet and date lots of people. You know, it is what your mom and dad told you. Don’t get serious with one person yet. Meet lots of people.
Meet lots of people and talk about relationships and dating with the people that you meet. Get other people’s perspective on “dating” and “chemistry” and “relationships” and any other thing you can. Particular attention should go to clearing up any confusions or worries you may have on any dating subject.
When I got divorced for the second time and realized I really didn’t know everything I needed to know about relationships and women, I decided I needed to just meet a lot of women. I used online dating services and personal ads and being the “advertising guy that I am” I quickly developed a flow that accumulated about 50 phone numbers a week. I called about half of these people and ended up setting up and going on two dates a day for about a year.
Now when I started my adventure I had no idea I would be doing this for a year, but truth be told, I didn’t meet anyone that I really liked, so I just kept at it until I did.
Lucky me.
So, a year or so later, I had been on over 700 dates when I finally did meet someone and I settled down into what turned out to be a 7 year relationship.
During that year of intense dating, however, I learned more about women and understanding of women than I had ever learned previously in my whole life. Sure, I knew how to pick up a woman and get sex, but that doesn’t really take a lot of understanding. I was looking for a more meaningful understanding of women. You know, what it takes to get married and live with someone day to day, happily, the rest of my life.
It was from dating and just talking to 700 women, however, that I began to develop a real good perspective on what this whole relationship game was about.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I was intimidated by good looking women, afterwards I wasn’t.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I always had sexual thoughts around any woman – good looking or not – afterwards I could look at a women I wasn’t interested in non-sexually, just as a friend. (Something women can do with men quite easily, by the way, but most men can’t reciprocate).
After going out on 700 dates I realized that there were a lot of women that I wasn’t attracted to and had no desire to have sex with, that I still really liked as a person. Conversely, I learned that there were a lot of beautiful women who were pretty much “ugly” inside. And no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, I would never want to have sex with them.
So I came out of my year of 700 dates with the ability to be friends with a woman whose personality I liked without thinking or acting sexual around her. And with the ability to say “no” to a beautiful woman with a rotten or even mediocre personality.
Before this year of 700 dates I was totally intimidated and invalidated as a being by a woman saying we didn’t have “chemistry.” (In the beginning I thought chemistry was the same for women as it was for most men – physical attraction– but it wasn’t. Woman after woman told me stories of men that they had no or little physical attraction to, developing “chemistry” by what they said and did on that first or second date.)
At the end of my 700 dates, I understood the word “chemistry” from a female’s perspective and started using it as a polite way of telling someone I wasn’t interested in them
You see, before these 700 dates, even though I had the ability to go out to a club and get laid every night of the week, even though I had been married twice and in several long term relationships, even though I was the father of 2 children, I was, like most men, bewildered and confused and totally lacking confidence when it came to relating to and understanding a woman. Simply put, they were foreign creatures – probably from Venus as the book says.
After my 700 dates, I was no longer confused. I realized that women were different than men in some ways, but in the most important way they were just like men.
And what way was that? Personality.
Woman just like men have varied and different personalities. They have rotten, mediocre and great personalities just like men. And their personality types combine with their physical types to create ugly women with great personalities, ugly women with rotten personalities, ugly women with mediocre personalities, mediocre looking women with great personalities, mediocre looking women with mediocre personalities, etc. all the way up to probably every man’s ideal of a great looking women with a great personality.
Now there is some kind of “normal curve” on this whole thing and the majority of women fall into the “mediocre looking woman with a mediocre personality” range and the “hot looking woman with the great personality” is probably like the IQ 180 type – Rare!
The point is, however, that there is more variation between personality types than there is between sexes. I hope you get this because this is huge and most men don’t get it.
The variations and differences between men and women are not as big a factor in the confusion regarding relationships as are the variations and differences in personalities within both sexes.
So, guys, it is not that “All women are evil, cruel, and vicious.” Some are and some aren’t. It’s just that you’ve been meeting the wrong ones.
Dating
So back to the point.
By meeting and dating lots of women you increase your chances of meeting someone on that normal curve who is in the same place as you. And when you do, the differences between men and women are small. It is when you meet a women who is somewhere else on that “normal curve” of personality types that it all becomes confusing. And the math of it all is that MOST women you meet are somewhere else on that curve.
What is the solution? The solution is to meet lots of women and find one that is on that same personality spot on the normal curve that you are.
Meeting and dating a lot of people is the most basic principle because it leads to self evident truth. If you just meet a lot of people (The exact number may be different for each person. For me it was 700. For someone else it may be 50. For yet another it may be 2000.) there comes a point where you naturally learn something about women and people and yourself. The natural learning you get for yourself is senior to and much better than anything I or anyone else can tell you vicariously. It also is directly applicable to you and your situation.
Other dating principles that came out of that “700 dates” experience are the following:
1) Remember that there are different personalities you will be dating and that different personalities require different interaction. Don’t ever be stuck with just “one way” of interacting with women. Try different things and see what works. Sometimes the same action on your part has almost opposite reactions on different personality types. If you observe this, you will know when to do what.
2) Use the dating experience to develop a concept of your “ideal woman.” When I noticed a quality – either physical or mental or emotional – that I really liked about a woman I would write it down. I would also write down qualities that I didn’t like, qualities that irritated me and that I was uncomfortable with.
From these lists of qualities I liked and didn’t like, I eventually developed an “ideal” for the woman I would like to marry. I now know the exact qualities I would want her to have and not have – no confusion. This is what the dating experience is for. Getting to know people and yourself. Use it!
3) “Don’t compromise your integrity” is another major dating principle. Men and women continually compromise their integrity when they are in a scarcity condition. A guy doesn’t meet women. Then he meets one women who lives down the hall from him. They start hanging out and they have sex. Then she turns into a bitch and he can hardly stand her but he likes the sex, so he puts up with it although it irritates him. Occasionally or frequently they get in fights over things because of personality clashes.
When you are meeting lots of people, it is a lot easier not to sacrifice your integrity. If someone starts acting weird, you drop them knowing there is plenty more where that came from.
4) When you are dating and meeting lots of people it also helps if you are a non-jealous person. Actually, meeting a lot of people helps you develop into a “non-jealous” person. When you see how meeting lots of people increases your certainty on knowing what kind of person you want, you don’t discourage others from doing the same.
5) It is also important while dating that you don’t get needy. There is a principle here that is totally true. If after meeting some people, you kind of get along and start hanging out together, remember, while dating, you shouldn’t go out with a person more than once or twice a week if you want to maintain a “dating” relationship.
If you start going over to the girl’s house every night or 3 or 4 times a week, or even start calling a girl every night and talking on the phone, you are acting like a boyfriend and she will start treating you like one. You will be out of the dating stage and into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage whether you like it or not. Whether you intend to do so or not.
So don’t be needy. If you are lonely, go out with another girl. I can’t tell you how many times this saved me from “false love.” False love is when you meet someone and you emotionally feel like you are in love and they are just perfect (even though you really don’t know them yet.) Usually what is going on is that you are just emotionally needy and they have some quality on the surface that you really like.
6) Another major principle when dating with the purpose of finding the right girl and developing a long term relationship is not to get involved in sex too quickly. Find out how and what a girl feels about sex before you do the deed. Have fun making out and petting but just don’t go all the way.
Having sex is used by a lot of personality types (both men and women) as a trap. If you have sex with them, then you are their boyfriend/girlfriend. So be careful – not needy. I tend to always have a sexual partner (this is a sex-only type relationship where you both just have fun and aren’t looking to take it any further) when I am dating and looking for a serious relationship and meeting lots of people. This allows me to meet people without being needy and keeps me out of the trap if there is one.
These are basic “dating” principles that will allow you to meet lots of people, help you define what it is you like, dislike and are looking for in a woman, keep your integrity to yourself in tack, and eventually help you find that special person you are looking for.
Use them wisely!
Next time I will explain how these same principles can be applied to an existing relationship for betterment. (No, I am not going to have you go out and meet 700 women while you are married. But I will show you how the principle behind meeting 700 people can be applied to one person to better the relationship!)
Dating!
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Dating To Relating (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
So in “Dating To Relating” we went over successful dating principles and I told you I would tell you how to apply these successful “dating principles” to relationships.
1) So let’s take the most important principle of dating – meeting lots of people.
What does this possibly have to do with relationships? Obviously, you are not going to go out and meet women on “dates,” so how is this applied?
Let’s look at the purpose of meeting lots of people while dating.
The purpose of meeting and dating a lot of people is to learn about the other sex, and yourself with respect to what you like and don’t like in partners.
You do that through communication and observation.
By communication you can, for example:
1) tell people what you think and get their responses, reactions;
2) tell people what you like and get their responses, reactions;
3) tell people the kind of relationship you are looking for and get their reactions;
4) find out what other people think on a certain topic;
5) find out what women like in men;
6) find out what women expect from men;
7) find out what sort of agreement a woman is looking for;
8) find out what sort of relationship a woman is looking for;
9) find out if you have things in common;
10) find out what is on their mind. What sort of things do they bring up and talk about with you?
By observation you can determine:
1) a person’s emotions – where are they at most of the time? Are they angry, sad, happy?
2) a person’s production level – do they get a lot done or are they lazy?
3) their habits, routines – are they a slob? Neat freak? etc.
4) do they keep their agreements with people?
5) are they moving closer toward you or moving away from you mentally and emotionally?
6) are they an affectionate or cold person?
These lists of communications and observations can go on and on, but above are some examples of things you might want to communicate about and observe when you first meet and start dating a person.
Dating To Relating
The point is when dating and meeting people we are not doing that just for the heck of it. (At least you shouldn’t be.) You are doing it to learn about people, to qualify prospects and to find someone who is compatible with you.
After you have talked to and observed enough people, you naturally start seeing how things work – what you like and don’t like, what women, in general, are looking for, etc.
Without this experience most people (not all) are usually confused about the opposite sex, yet needy, and make judgment mistakes simply because they don’t have a lot of choices. Their need to have a sexual relationship overrides their need for understanding. So they often compromise their integrity and get involved in something they deep down know they shouldn’t (with the hope or prayer that they can change the situation or person eventually.)
Often these people end up learning the hard way after years and years of bad experiences in a bad relationship.
So in a relationship you still have the same purposes as dating, but with a few substitutions. Instead of learning about how women work, and what you like and dislike about women, and what women like and dislike about men in general; you want to learn how a particular woman works, and what you like and dislike about her and what she likes and dislikes about you in particular.
What makes her move closer to you – emotionally? mentally? What makes her move away from you?
The purpose is to learn about her and get to know her better each time you spend time with her. This should NEVER end.
Communication and observation. Every time you spend time with your girlfriend or your wife, you have to treat it a little bit like it was a first date. Ask her questions, observe her reactions. Find new territory that you’ve never discussed before. Ask those questions that you are a little afraid to ask. Don’t take her for granted. People are infinitely complex and ever changing.
By doing this continually you will be able to learn about and understand and know your partner better and better continually. You will then be able to use “gradients” to improve and create the relationship as I discuss in my essay -“Creating A Relationship” – The different Types of Create and Gradients.
So when dating, you are learning about women and yourself in order to qualify and select the right woman for you. In a relationship, you are learning about a particular woman to be able to create the relationship in the direction you would like it to go.
The more you learn, the easier it gets.
Occasionally, however, you might learn that you are in a relationship with the wrong woman for you. If that is the case, it is usually best to end it and start over again. It is usually not a good idea to compromise your integrity for anyone. Children need good role models. And children are definitely not happy being brought up in a household without love, or worse yet, one with arguing and bickering all the time.
2) Now how do we use the second dating principle “Use the dating experience to develop a concept of your ideal woman” in a relationship?
Well you are pretty much going to do the same thing. Write down the qualities that you really like in your partner and write down the qualities that you don’t like. In a relationship, you have to continually confront both the positive and the negative.
Reinforce the positive qualities. If you like it when your wife wears make-up and does her hair. Make a big deal about it every time she does it. Tell her how beautiful she looks. If she gets positive reinforcement I guarantee you she will do it more often. Don’t ever take a woman (or anyone) for granted. If you take things for granted, they will soon disappear.
Whatever you have on your like list – reinforce it, compliment it, acknowledge it continually and it will remain and get even better.
Now the things you don’t like, use “gradients” to change.( See: “Creating A Relationship” – The different Types of Create and Gradients.)
Also be willing to trade. If she eats popcorn in bed and it irritates the hell out of you, well, be willing to give up reading that magazine on the toilet that irritates the hell out of her.
When dating we used this principle to develop an “ideal” of the kind of woman we would want to have a relationship with. When in a relationship we use this principle to create that ideal with the woman we are with.
3) Don’t compromise your integrity is another major dating principle that applies to relationships as well. Sometimes we have to tell our little “white lies” to not hurt another’s feelings, but when the choice comes down to “compromising your integrity” or “hurting another’s feelings” it is usually better NOT to compromise your integrity.
If not compromising your integrity leads to a breakup, then it wasn’t the right relationship for you. Be honest and open in your communications with your partner, don’t be afraid to tell them how you really feel about things. In the end if you stick with your integrity, it will all work out for the best for everyone.
Always keep your word. That is a part of integrity. A man or woman really doesn’t have more much than their word that people can count on. If your word is worthless, then so are you.
4) When you are dating and meeting lots of people it also helps if you are a non-jealous person. That still applies if you are in a healthy relationship. It is actually good for men and woman to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as they are monogamous people and have worked through all their tendencies to not be monogamous it can actually help a healthy relationship to have opposite-sex friends.
If you have the right girl or guy and you hang for a little while with someone who is not right, all it does is make you appreciate your partner even more and NOT take them for granted.
This issue totally depends on you having worked through jealousy issues in the dating stage. If you haven’t, you may not be able to do it in a relationship. And certainly, if you realistically can’t trust your spouse (because of past transgressions, etc.) then jealousy and opposite-sex friends may not be something you can easily resolve. And it may not even be a good idea to try.
5) Even in relationships, it is also important, as in dating, that you don’t get needy – but in a different way. Obviously you are going to see the person more than once or twice a week. But make sure you have your own life. Don’t depend on your partner for your own existence.
Be able to do things apart and separate from each other. Be able to be in the same room without needing to talk or interact. Be able to do your own thing while together. Men should never force their sexual needs on a woman – that will make sex quite an unenjoyable experience for both of you very quickly.
Women are actually much more sexual creatures than men, but what turns them on and gets them in the mood isn’t the same as for men. Men are also in the mood much more quickly.
If men don’t understand the differences between men and women sexually, both partners (including younger women who often feel they don’t like sex that much simply because they have not had a good male sex partner that knew how to prepare them for sex, or give them an orgasm) may get the impression that the female is not into sex. (See my article entitled “How To Get Your Wife or Girlfriend To Want More Sex.”)
6) And the last dating principle – don’t get involved in sex too soon- can be also utilized as a relationship principle with a slight modification. Don’t get involved in “intercourse” too quickly – and that can be applied every time you have sex. Women need foreplay. Give it to them. You’ll be a better lover and you will also enjoy sex more if you get into foreplay. There is a lot more to sex than an orgasm. If you are a guy and you haven’t figured that one out yet, there is a lot more information about this on our website. Use it.
Dating To Relating – Part Two (c) 2007 Dating To Relating Inc.
There are two distinct conditions we have to look at when discussing male/female relationships. The first is a condition of “opposition” or “opponents”, where the love interest is an opponent. No matter where it is at, there is no agreement on the relationship and where it is going, and one person wants to take it to a different level or place than the other, who is usually just fine the way things are.
This automatically applies to most new relationships, and old relationships that are damaged or in trouble.
Now, why do I call it a condition of opposition or “opponents”. Well, because someone is usually trying to get someone, or opposed to someone. You are trying to get the girl for a girlfriend, or you are trying to get her in bed for sex, and there is some opposition. There is not complete agreement even if it is just about timing or “when.” Or she is trying to get you to marry her and you don’t want to yet. You are happy being her boyfriend.
The second condition is when the love interests are “teammates.” They are in agreement on their relationship and where they want it to go, etc. There is no opposition here.
This applies to most good relationships where people are co-operating and in agreement on the form of their relationship be it “friends with privileges,” “girlfriend/boyfriend” or “husband/wife.”
Now the truth of it is, most relationships are a combination of these conditions, perhaps mostly one or the other, but it is typical that we are in opposition about some things and in complete agreement and teammates about others.
In this essay I am going to discuss the second condition of “teammates” and the type of create one has to use in that condition in order to continue to create the relationship.
When you have a partner who is an active teammate, working for the same goal in the relationship that you are, you are in the best condition you could be in. If you don’t mess it up or screw it up, your relationship should grow in the direction you want it to grow and be a healthy relationship for years and years, even a lifetime if that is desired.
Screwing up a healthy relationship, if you are lucky enough to have one, is actually hard to do, but believe me there are some guys who do it.
Relationships
What are the major mistakes the guys make to screw up a healthy relationship?
Well here are five of the most common basic mistakes.
1) Cheating.
2) Not continuing to treat her as the opponent and win her over. (Otherwise known as romance.)
3) Not continually creating a common opponent to fight as teammates.
4) Not continuing to monitor the goals and purposes of the team and make sure that they are still in unison.
5) Not making sure she continues to do all of the above too.
1) Cheating – In most cases, as soon as you cheat, you become the enemy. You are no longer working as teammates for the same thing. You have a hidden agenda and you are not working for the best interest of the team.
(I say in most cases, because there are societies and couples who agree that cheating,or extra-marital sex, is okay in certain situations, and under prescribed conditions.)
Now my opinion on cheating is simple and it is based on practicality not morality issues. You shouldn’t get married or in a serious relationship until you have the ability to commit to a monogamous relationship.
There are plenty of girls who are NOT ready to commit to a serious relationship. So if you are not ready it would be better to find someone else who is not ready and work out a relationship that involves non-monogamous sex together.
The point of all this is, if you are not ready for marriage or a committed relationship, don’t get involved with someone who is, and don’t pretend like you are – not even to (and especially not even to) yourself. You’ll turn your teammate into an enemy overnight. Get my eReport on “How I Dated 700 Women in One Year” and work whatever it is remaining in your system that keeps you from being monogamous out.
With out being moralistic, breaking an agreement to be monogamous with your girl and cheating on her doesn’t get you anywhere. If sex with multiple women is what you want, you can have more sex with more women without cheating on anyone by telling the truth. Cheating in a committed relationship is a false sense of accomplishment. It means you are unhappy and insecure and a whole bunch of other negative things. So, if you feel like cheating, there is something wrong.
And as soon as you get that feeling, you need to sit down with your mate, and talk things out. And if you can’t resolve things so that you are back on the same team again then you are in the wrong relationship for you and you probably need to get out of that situation and date extensively until you work whatever sexual issues you have out of your system – so you can actually have a serious, monogamous relationship.
2) Now another way guys wreck a good teammate relationship and contribute to the girl cheating on them is to stop romancing the girl.
Remember this girl was at one time an opponent, someone you had to win over to your way of thinking, before she agreed to become your girlfriend or wife, etc. That’s what all the flowers and candies, and door “holding” and chick flicks and “listening” was about – you were trying to win the game and “score” the girl.
So, you did. And now you think that game (you didn’t really like it, did you?) is over and you don’t have to do that anymore. Now that she is the girlfriend or wife, you don’t have to play that “flowers” and “door opening” game anymore. Well, guess what guys?! You are wrong.
All those things you did to impress her and get her, worked. These were the things that created “attraction” towards you. Now that you have secured this agreement for her to be your girlfriend or wife and enter into this new game of “teammates” it doesn’t mean that the old game is over.
You see building or creating a relationship is sort of like building a house. You lay the foundation for a house then you build the first floor. When the first floor is complete you don’t go and tear down the foundation. If you do, the first, second, third, etc. floors will all come tumbling down with it.
Same thing with a relationship. Whatever you did to get the girl, whatever you did to attract her in the beginning is your foundation. You can’t go tearing it down the minute you get the first floor built and move in.
It simply won’t work.
That means figuring out new things to do together, new ways to have fun, new sexual play so that it doesn’t get boring. (Check out the Free Mini-Course on my site – “How to be a Great Lover.”)
3) Now once you move from the “opponent” stage of a relationship where you are trying to WIN the girl over, you enter a stage where you are teammates mostly. (But remember, still keep those opponent things going to win the girl into continually being attracted to you)
In the “teammate ” stage, you are in agreement. You are a couple and you are approaching the world together as a team. Now, depending on your type of relationship agreement, that can be anything from just creating mutual pleasure together (like sex, or hanging out) to combining your finances and taking on the world financially together to improve your mutual lot, to deciding to take on “having kids” and raising them to the standards that you both agree on.
Now the thing is as you start working together as a team and start “winning” you can’t forget that the process or working together as a team is more important than the things you obtain as a team. Teamwork is like “glue” that holds you together.
Sometimes when a couple achieves some of the goals that are the objects of their teamwork, they forget to replace those goals with new ones. Sooner or later if you don’t replace old goals with new ones you run out of things to work together on.
So often a couple gets engaged, gets married, has children, gets a nice house, gets a nice car and then stops setting goals and their teamwork disappears.
Sometimes it doesn’t even go that far. Sometimes they both have a simple goal like moving in together. They do that and then stop creating team projects. Like the things that you did to attract her, working together to achieve goals and solve problems is the expanded foundation of a relationship. As long as you keep doing it and set new goals to accomplish you will continue to create a healthy satisfying relationship.
Goals don’t always have to be mutual goals. Sometimes a couple helps each other on personal goals. They work together as a team to get her to lose 10 pounds. They work together as a team to get him a better job.
Doing that CREATES the relationship in a healthy manner. Telling your girl, “You’d better lose 10 pounds or I am out of here,” doesn’t. Telling the guy he’d better get a better job or you are gone doesn’t create a relationship either. These kinds of attitudes make you “enemies” or “opponents” again.
Mutual goals are common “opponents” and make you teammates fighting against your obstacles to achieve your goals.
I can go on and on and on, on this topic, but I think you get the point. CONTINUALLY setting goals and working on those goals as a team helps to CREATE a relationship. STOP doing this and the relationship will start falling apart.
4) Now to continually monitor these goals you set as a team, this means communication. You have to talk to your partner and continually monitor where they are at with respect to your mutual and their and your personal goals. People change and grow. You can’t assume the girl you married 3 years ago is the same girl today. You can’t assume the things that she considered important and wanted to work on with you 3 years ago, 1 year ago, even 6 months ago are still the goals she has today.
Communicate! Talk! Listen! You have to continually find out where you are at. If you keep communication in, then you won’t have any surprise. If you assume she is the same (when she isn’t) then you will be surprised one day when you exclaim, “I don’t know who you are anymore,” as she walks out the door or cheats on you.
5) Finally, you have to get your girl to do all of these things too. One person creating a relationship is better than none, but two people creating a relationship is a cinch for success.
The best time to talk about all this is early on in your relationship so you are both on the same page with create from the early days. But anytime is better than no time. It is never too late. Even if you aren’t “newlyweds”, talk now!
If you do all the above things, you and your partner just may have a chance to create a continually growing, healthy relationship.
Relationships!
Relationships – Your Love Interest As Your Teammate (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
There are different types of create involved in a relationship.
There is a type of create one must use in establishing a new relationship.
There is another type of create one must employ in moving a relationship up through its various stages – dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, living together, engaged, married, married with children.
There is another type of create (or pro-active lack of create) one must employ to keep a relationship at a certain stage and not have it progress.
There is another type of create one must use in order to keep the attraction between two individuals increasing and not diminishing at any level of relationship.
There is yet another form of create one must utilize when reestablishing a damaged relationship.
Then there are different kinds of relationships that people try to establish. Not everyone is looking to get married with respect to any given relationship.
Different kinds of sexual relationships:
Prostitution (pay for sex relationship)
One night stands
Friends with privileges
Dating with casual sex
Lovers only
Arrangements (you take care of me, I’ll take care of you relationship)
Multiple Lovers ( I can have more than one relationship)
Swinging
Affairs (cheating on someone)
Girlfriend/boyfriend
Living together
Engagement
Marriage (The ultimate relationship)
Divorce (Yes some people even have sex after marriage, sort of friends with privileges phase again.)
There are also two distinct conditions we have to look at when discussing male/female relationships. The first is a condition of “opposition” or “opponents”, where the love interest is an opponent. No matter where it is at, there is no agreement on the relationship and where it is going, and one person wants to take it to a different level or place than the other, who is usually just fine the way things are.
This automatically applies to most new relationships, and old relationships that are damaged or in trouble.
Now, why do I call it a condition of opposition or “opponents”. Well, because someone is usually trying to get someone, or opposed to someone. You are trying to get the girl for a girlfriend, or you are trying to get her in bed for sex, and there is some opposition. There is not complete agreement even if it is just about timing or “when.” Or she is trying to get you to marry her and you don’t want to yet. You are happy being her boyfriend.
The second condition is when the love interests are “team mates.” They are in agreement on their relationship and where they want it to go, etc. There is no opposition here.
This applies to most good relationships where people are co-operating and in agreement on the form of their relationship be it “friends with privileges,” “girlfriend/boyfriend” or “husband/wife.”
Now the truth of it is, most relationships are a combination of these conditions, perhaps mostly one or the other, but it is typical that we are in opposition about some things and in complete agreement and teammates about others.
In this essay I am going to discuss the first condition of “opponents” and the use of “gradients” – a major principle we use to successfully change the form of our relationship with someone and to move from one level of relationship to a higher level of relationship and to overcome opposition.
I will discuss how “teammates” create in another essay.
Now what do I mean by “Gradient”?
Webster says a gradient is “the rate of regular or graded ascent or descent”
Well again I feel Webster is falling a little short of a workable definition for our purposes.
For our purposes, let’s just look at a “gradient” as a step on a ladder. And functionally a gradient allows us to safely go up the ladder or down the ladder one step at a time.
Now you have all been on a ladder and you know that ladders are quite workable and safe as long as you take it one step at a time. If you tried jumping up onto the fifth step of a ladder, you might have some problems getting there, and if you tried climbing or descending five steps at a time, well, you might just get hurt.
Now occasionally you could start on the second or third step of a ladder with out any problem, and other times if you had some other means of ascending or descending (like your buddy lifts you up with a fork lift) you could get on or off a ladder at a higher step without any problem.
Get the picture? A gradient allows us to safely ascend or descend from one place to another.
Now when we are talking about developing or repairing or creating a relationship, “gradients” are the steps that allow us to safely ascend to a higher level of relationship or safely descend (yes, there are times you have to do this too) to a lower level of relationship despite any opposition to our plan.
Now the first thing you have to learn about gradients in relationships is how to see them. Gradients in relationships are usually “mental” steps and as such are not as obvious as are the steps of a physical ladder.
This may be hardest thing about using gradients for guys to learn. Learning how to see them. Most people just don’t observe much. They are too used to being told by others what is right and wrong, good and bad, and simply what is and isn’t.
If you want to be successful at relationships, YOU have to start observing things and become your own advisor. If you remember from my last article “How to Manage Creating a Relationship” what you have to observe are your statistics, and the main statistic to observe in a relationship is motion – “is he/she moving toward me or away from me?” in response to my actions.
If you continually monitor (watch) all the actions and efforts that have a bearing on a relationship with respect to the other person you will notice that these actions/efforts either create the person moving closer (emotionally, physically, mentally, communicatively) toward you are moving further away from you in these aspects.
OBSERVATION is the key to success in relationships and particularly when you want to overcome opposition and establish a relationship or move it from one level of relationship to the next. OBSERVE your partner, observe how she relates to other people, her girlfriends, her guy friends, her family. What makes her move closer towards them? What makes her move further away from them? When does she oppose them? When does she cooperate and become a teammate?
OBSERVE sequences of action. In order to see gradients you must be able to see sequences of action.
What is a sequence of action? Well in a sequence of action one thing precedes (comes before another) – like “date/engaged/marry” or “touch/kiss/make-out/petting/sex.”
OBSERVE your partner. Does she just get MAD at you? Or is there a gradient sequence there? Like, you promise to do something, you screw up and forget, you won’t talk about it, she gets MAD!
Or how about this one? Does she just CHEAT on you, or is there a sequence of events? Like, she tells you she is unhappy but you ignore it, and don’t follow up on the communication, she keeps telling you she is unhappy and wants to see more of you but you tell her you are too busy and she needs to understand. She says she wants to talk and complains how she is unhappy and you never do anything together any more, but you don’t really listen to her, you tell her she just needs to understand that you are working hard to support the family, she tells you she needs time to herself and wants to see more of her girlfriends and you say OK because you are too busy anyway. SHE CHEATS, and you are devastated because you didn’t see it coming!
EVERYTHING happens in gradients, there are no mysteries in life when you just open up your eyes and start looking for the right things. She doesn’t just up and leave you. Gradiently, you grow apart. She gives you plenty of signals of the exact gradient of “apart” you are on. You just have to learn to look.
If you start seeing sequence of events and gradients you can do something about all this.
Look at MOTION (away and towards). Look and see, “Do I have a teammate, here, or an opponent?” Look at sequences of action. Then when you have a problem and you don’t know what to do, when you have an opposition you don’t know how to overcome, when you feel uncomfortable about something, look for a different gradient (lower or higher, but usually its lower).
Here are some examples:
I used to feel uncomfortable approaching women. If I saw a hot babe, I felt like walking up to her and saying, “Wow, are you hot or what?” or “Will you marry me?” or, “I’m in love” or, “Hey, I just saw you over there and I’m really attracted to you.”
Now before I really looked at it I thought the sequence of approach was something like this
1) First step -You have to approach the girl or she is gone forever and you lose
2) Second step -You have to tell her you are attracted to her or you won’t be able to create the chance of seeing her again.
Problem is I couldn’t bring myself to do it, too shy, too insecure about myself. So I would just let the opportunity pass. One day I finally sat down and applied gradients to the situation. I figured out that the real problem was I was uncomfortable with telling a hot girl exactly how much I liked her because I didn’t want to face the rejection (especially in front of other people) if she responded negatively.
Now prior to this I watched guys approaching girls and observed some gradients. I observed that it didn’t really matter what you said to a girl, if a girl liked you she would say something back. If she is interested in you she will keep the conversation going, if she is NOT she will end the conversation quickly and try to get away.
So let’s look at the sequence of events in this situation which added some gradient steps between 1 and 2 above.
1) First step -You have to approach the girl are she is gone forever and you lose
2) Second step – You have to say something to her or someway attempt to engage her in a conversation or she probably won’t do it herself.
3) Third step – Say something neutral that will not embarrass you or be obvious to people around that you are hitting on her.
4) Watch her response – does she try to keep the conversation going?
5) If she doesn’t, let her go – no harm no foul – nothing to be embarrassed about after all you just asked her for the time. But if she keeps the conversation going and appears to be interested in doing so, go to the next step.
6) Keep the conversation going myself. At some point add a slight “flirt” and see how she responds – something like “Wow, you have really pretty eyes.”
7) If the slight flirt doesn’t push her away, take it to the next level. Tell her she is an interesting person and you would like to talk to her some more but you have to go. Get her phone number and/or email.
8) You have achieved step 2 (letting her know you are attracted to her)in the first example above because women are used to subtle communications, and she now knows you are interested in her and thinks you are really cool because you did it in normal way (not the usual guy way – “Wow, you are so beautiful!”)
With this one observation I worked out a gradient strategy that forever handled my uncomfortable feelings and shyness. My shyness was really about me not wanting to look stupid by getting shot down by some girl in front of other people. When I observed the motion between men and women and that it really didn’t matter what you said to a girl (if she is interested she will manage to keep the conversation going). I realized I didn’t need to tell a girl that I liked her and was attracted to her on the approach.
So my best pick up line became and still is today, guys, “Hi!”
Works like a charm. And this LOWER gradient of approach eliminates what I was really afraid of – looking stupid by putting my heart on my sleeve and having some girl stomp all over it.
Situationally, every relationship, every problem, and every person is different so there is no cookie cuter model here of how to apply “gradients.” But it starts with OBSERVATION and that means internal observation as well as external.
Whenever I feel
1) like I don’t want to confront something; or
2) uncomfortable and want to leave; or
3) blocked and frustrated because I can’t get over the opposition
4) like I just can’t figure out something,
I’ve trained myself to immediately stop and start looking for a lower gradient way to tackle the problem, opposition, or whatever. Since I’ve done this I’ve always figured out a lower gradient that works 100% of the time.
If at any time one of the gradients fail, look for more gradients between the last successful gradient and the one that failed.
Be creative in what you consider a gradient. There are mental, communicative, physical, and emotional steps and sometime they intertwine.
For example here are some gradients that I have employed in various situations:
I’ve pretended to be drunk and said something really nice about someone when they could overhear me. Why? Because just telling them something nice was the wrong gradient. They wouldn’t have believed me. They considered that people only spoke what was really on their mind when they were drunk. So this was the lower gradient that solved my problem.
I pretended to be mad in order or have a meaningful conversation. I had a girlfriend who didn’t believe I cared when I communicated in my calm rational way. She believed that people only cared when they were emotional. Yelling and screaming meant I cared. Calmness didn’t. So I faked anger and yelled and screamed at her and she loved it. I remember her exact words (even though it was about 30 years ago) – “Now that’s communicating!”
Creating A Relationship
I once mutually broke up with a girl I had been dating for 3 years, and then after a couple of weeks decided it was a mistake and that I wanted her back to give it a better try. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, she had met and hooked up with a childhood sweetheart and was talking marriage.
Well, to make a long story short, I got her back. (It took me three months of applying gradients and everything else I know – so don’t let the Dating Guru’s tell you to write off the ex if you don’t want to.)
But there was an interesting key gradient I applied in the very beginning when I decided I wanted her back and she told me all about the new guy, etc.
We had a four hour conversation on the phone. It was going bad as she told me all this stuff about the new guy, and how he was her childhood sweetheart and they were talking marriage, etc. but I decided I wasn’t going to let her off of the telephone until I got a positive “gradient” of agreement out of the conversation that I could build on. After four hours of going lower and lower on gradients, I finally got her to admit and agree there was a 1% chance I could win her back.
I remember those words well, too. I said, “Tell me there is not a 1% chance I can win you back and I will hang up the phone right now.” “I can’t say that,” she said. “There’s probably a 1% chance.”
That was all that I needed. I knew where I stood and what I had to overcome. Building on that gradient of agreement, I slowly built myself back into her life (and him out of it.)
The above examples are examples of using gradients to handle your own considerations but there are also plenty of ways you can use gradients to handle other people’s opposition. I’ve gone out with tons of beautiful women, and 99% of them told me they would never have a relationship with some guy that approached them on the street no matter how attracted they were to him.
Knowing this I never hit up on women on the street (unless they work in a store or restaurant that I can come back to, then I will out and out flirt ) in a flirting manner.
I developed a gradient approach that works well
1) approach them about something (see my “Hi” technique above)
2) find or create some future involvement ( a reason to contact her again) on a non-sexual mutual interest ( “Hey, I have a great article I can email you on that” or “I know a place that has jeans that you will love. I forget the name but I have it at home. I’ll call or email it to you when I get home.”
3) establish myself non-sexually and either let them hit up on me, or then make my move when they no longer perceive me as some guy they met on the street.
Establishing future is a key “lower gradient” that you should shoot for when first meeting women. Telling her how beautiful she is (especially if she is) and how much you like her will get you nowhere. Finding a nonsexual reason why she should talk to you again will get her to actually return that phone call.
When you are interested in younger women. Don’t hit up on them sexually. That will blow them away. Too high a gradient. Use the lower gradient of non-sexual friendship. Younger women appreciate an older man’s maturity. Give them a chance and a reason to get to know you without scaring them away with sex, and if they like you and start hanging with you, sooner or later they’ll get horny and make the first move. Always let younger women make the first move when there is a significant age difference.
In relationships, I’ve had to use gradients when there is an argument or disagreement. You can’t handle anything or repair a relationship if you can not communicate about the problem. The lower gradient, though, is that you can’t communicate to someone if you don’t feel comfortable and safe telling them things relevant to the discussion. Or if you don’t feel safe talking to them in general.
So often I have found that before you can handle something by talking about it, you actually have to handle “talking and communicating” as a subject. Discuss why you don’t feel safe communicating your deepest thoughts and feelings to your partner and perhaps make up some rules to handle that.
If you don’t feel safe talking about your problems with your partner, then talking about “talking” has to be the lower gradient conversation. Clear that up, make it okay to talk to your partner, then tackle the problem.
And when talking about talking doesn’t work, then you have to lower the gradient again and just shut up and spend some time being with that person and try to build up your affection for each other again.
Don’t get into anything heavy, just do things you both enjoy, spend quality time together and try to restore the feelings and attraction you once had for each other. After a while you will start to feel better about yourselves and will be ready to tackle that talk about talking.
And after that talk about talking, keep the quality time going and eventually you will be able to tackle the problem itself.
Creating A Relationship
“Creating A Relationship” – The Different Types of Create and Gradients (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
“to exercise executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of”
To put it in a way you might understand better. To mange something is to direct it so that you achieve your purpose. So if our purpose is to “Create a Better Relationship”, how do we manage our activities so that we achieve our purpose.
Well, the best way to mange anything and to control the direction towards a purpose is by a combination of observing the statistics of the activity and planning off of that.
So the question is what is the most important statistic for a guy to watch and monitor with respect to relationships. WRITE THIS DOWN, because you are not going to get it from any of the other Dating Guru’s. The statistic you want to monitor is MOTION. Specifically MOTION TOWARD and MOTION AWAY.
You won’t believe how important the observation of this statistic is until you start doing it. It will change your life. It is not only involved in men/women relationships, it is involved in any relationship you can think of (for example, I use it extensively in sales).
Now, when it comes to women, you should be watching MOTION from day one. I discovered the importance of this when I was 25 and doing the bar scene nightly, I was very shy and just stood there for about 2 months looking at people and talking to no one.
After a while, I began to watch the MOTION involved in interactions rather than the content (what people say) of interactions. That is when I became suddenly successful.
I recommend that if you haven’t already read my three articles on the bar scene that you do so now:
Would You Like To Know How To Pick Up Women In Bars And Clubs?
These are excellent studies in situational techniques derived from observing motion and I will refer to them below.
Now what most guys do in the bar scene is some arbitrary motion pattern they learned from some GURU without observing the motion at hand, or they do their own arbitrary motion pattern. The arbitrary pattern will work a percentage of times, so most guys, if they hit up on enough girls with any kind of motion, will eventually find someone it works on.
But what makes observational technique and strategies superior is that you are not doing some arbitrary. You are doing the exact thing that works and you win 100 percent of the time across ALL Motion patterns, and ALL personality types.
There are only three basic motions a person can do with respect to you. 1) Move toward you, 2) move away from you, and 3) stay in the same place with respect to you (no motion).
Now when I talk about motion here with respect to a man/woman relationship, I am talking about motion towards you in many ways, like:
1) physically (a woman moves closer to you, touches you, etc.)
2) mentally (agreement would be a motion toward, disagreement a motion away)
3) emotionally (liking you and feeling comfortable would be a motion toward and disliking you, feeling uncomfortable with you would be a motion away)
4) communicatively (wanting to talk to you would be a motion toward, not wanting to talk to you would be a motion away).
Then there are different channels of communication. A girl could lean into you very sexily, touch you lightly, and tell you what a bastard prick you are. If you only pay attention to the content, you could be blown away. If you only pay attention to the touch, she could blow you away. But if you pay attention to the complex communications and all the motion vectors involved, you would know what to do.
Now these three basic motions combined with different channels of communication can get very complex as not only are there different channels of communication but there are motions within motions.
Now in my book “Dating to Relating” I teach you all about advanced and complex motions, but for the sake of this essay if you just start observing the basic motions you will be way ahead of most guys.
So let’s get back to relationships. If you are in a relationship, the girl is either moving TOWARD you – physically, emotionally, mentally, and communicatively,or she is staying in the same place with respect to you, or she is moving AWAY.
THESE ARE YOUR STATISTICS that you use to mange your relationship. You watch and observe what is she doing and the direction of her motion.
If she wants LESS sex, she is moving away. If she doesn’t talk to you as much, she is moving away. If she is getting bored with you, when she use to be enthralled she is moving away. If she wants “to talk” about things (guys hate this) she is starting to move away, but she is simultaneously moving toward you (wanting to communicate about it.)
Now what do you do about it?
REAL SIMPLE – observe what makes her move toward you, CREATE more of that. Observe what makes her move away from you and STOP doing that.
Now if you just do those two simple actions on a daily basis you can make any relationship better and continue to grow and you can repair a relationship that has gone astray.
OBSERVATION, however, is not always as easy as it sounds. I have a friend who I have been telling all this stuff to for years, and he still hasn’t developed the ability to observe. One night we went to a restaurant together, and I flirted with the waitress lightly. I said something like, “You have pretty eyes.”
As soon as I said that, she leaned back a little, away from me, and I knew immediately she probably had a boyfriend or something. Her motion was telling me I would have to approach her on a much lower gradient if I was interested in continuing.
Well my friend didn’t get it. He thought it was a great lead in for him to hit up on her and started saying all kinds of stuff to her. She began getting quite uncomfortable with us, and I finally had to kick my friend under the table to get him to stop.
When she left, I asked him, “Didn’t you see her lean away from me when I said that?” Well he admitted he did SEE it, but he didn’t OBSERVE it or know what it meant. So he jumped in at the wrong gradient. I got him to stop and I made the girl relax when she came back by saying, “Don’t take us seriously, we flirt with ALL the girls.” She laughed and then totally relaxed with us.
The point of this story being that some guys SEE motion, but DON’T observe it or interpret it correctly. If that is you, just KEEP practicing until you get it right.
The only other thing you will have to take into account in all this, is your personal integrity. Sometime when you start to really observe people and seeing what makes them move toward you, or away from you, you get into a conflict of values, interests, opinions, etc.
You may find yourself in a position that you don’t want to do the things that work and make her move toward you, and she doesn’t want to do the things that you would like to do to make her move toward you.
When you find yourself in that position, you are perhaps in the wrong relationship for you and you guys should sit down and really discuss your values and where each of you want to go with your lives and your relationship to see if it is worth continuing.
So now you have two very big basics:
You have to continually create a relationship for it to continue to get better. And you have to observe if what you are creating is making the girl move towards you or away from you. Do only those things that make her move towards you.
If you do this correctly your girl will fall deeper and deeper in love with you as time passes. Sex will get better and better, and you will fall deeper and deeper in love with her. (Provided you got the right girl to begin with!)
So you want a good relationship, huh? You want your girl to like sex more? You want her to understand you better? Or perhaps one of the 1000 other little items that bug guys in relationships?
Well, if you want a better relationship – here is the first rule.
Relationships are created and take continual active work to improve them. A relationship either gets better or worse, there is no static state in relationships – they either get better or worse.
If you create them, they get better. If you stop creating them, they get worse. It’s that simple. And it applies to ALL relationships- work, girlfriend, kids, buddies.
Now my observation is that MOST women already know this and MOST men either DON’T know it, or if they do, they don’t practice it.
So then exactly WHAT are we talking about when we talk about RELATIONSHIPS and CREATE?
Well, first of all, let’s make a distinction between casual social relationships and working productive relationships.
Webster tell us that a relationship is :
The state of being mutually or reciprocally interested
(as in social or commercial matters).
However, it is not a very good definition, because you still have a relationship with that “boss” at work who you don’t like and are definitely NOT interested in and they are not interested in you, or that teacher at school who is NOT interested in you in the least or you him.
“A relationship exists with anyone that you co-act with towards a specific goal.”
If that “goal” is social, then of course anyone you hang with to have fun or entertainment or whatever with- you are relating to.
If that “goal” is business, then anyone you are co-acting with to get a paycheck or to make money, or whatever you do, is in a relationship with you. And of course that “teacher” you aren’t the least bit interested in and who likewise is not interested in you is co-acting with you towards giving you a grade for the course – which is both your purpose and his.
So this is a little better working definition for our purposes. If you are not working with someone towards some purpose – be it social (talking, having fun), familial (co-mingling, finances, sexual fun, raising children) or business (getting paid for the work you do or products or services that you produce) you are NOT in a relationship with that person.
So when you first meet a girl and are attracted to her, you are trying to establish a relationship, whether it is just for a fling (sexual fun), ongoing friendship only (companionship and sexual fun) or something more serious – like all of the above plus living together and sharing finances and raising children together.
You are hoping she will be attracted to you too, and then that will lead to hanging out fun and in most cases what you really want and need from a woman – sexual fun. And if this happens, you have a sexual relationship.
So what is CREATING a relationship? CREATING a relationship is doing those things which increase attraction (both physical and mental/spiritual), communication, understanding, mutual survival, agreements between you, and the number and or quality of the products you produce together.
When you are NOT creating a relationship the attraction decreases (physical and/or mental/spiritual), the communication worsens, the understanding and mutual survival lessens, the agreements between you lessen and/or are broken, and the number and quality of products you produce together go down.
SO Let’s translate this into actions you can do.
Well, you probably already know how to CREATE a relationship. Most guys do it when they are romancing the girl to get her. They bring her flowers, open the door for her, assure her she looks nice (when she is worried about it), listen to her gossip even though it bores them out of their mind. They go to the mall with her when they really hate shopping. They go to chick movies with her now and again. GET IT GUYS – you know what I am talking about – CREATING is ALL those things you do to GET THE GIRL!
(And I don’t just mean traditional things like above. If you do non-traditional things to attract a women, like I outline in
Now the problem is most guys do all kinds of things they DON’T like just to get the girl, then after they get her and feel comfortable in their position – THEY STOP doing all those things that they don’t like.
PROBLEM IS GUYS, that is the death toll for the relationship.
WHATEVER you did to GET THE GIRL you have to do MORE OF IT, more frequently, and in new and better ways to CREATE the relationship and KEEP her.
So, if you went dancing with the girl once a week when you were courting her (and she loved it) continue to go dancing with her once a week when you are married, even when you have children – hire a babysitter. Romance your wife. But you may need to vary it – dance with her after a romantic dinner at home. Take her to new and exciting dance places. Take dance lessons with her. Get the idea.
There are probably dozens of little things (or big things) like this you did to get her. CONTINUE to do them. Do them better. Find new ways of doing them. And find new ways to attract her. You are going to have to do this continuously, and if you want to keep her for the rest of your life, then you are going to have to do this for the rest of your life.
WOMEN are easy to attract and seduce with CREATE. But if you chose to attract and seduce a women with create, you have to continue to seduce her with create as long as you want that relationship to continue.
ATTRACTION is a physical energy flow. It is not something that someone has forever – just because they were attracted to you on one or several occasions, or even long periods of time. ATTRACTION has to be continuously created. To put it simply, Whatever you did to ATTRACT the girl in the first place (including seemingly negative things like being aloof and “hard to get” if that is what you did), you have to continue to do that to CREATE a relationship. If you continuously attract the girl you are in a relationship with, the relationship will grow, get closer, be more fun and more productive. And oh yeah, she’ll want sex just as much as you do (if not more).
Now this is a simple description of the process. This simple explanation will help some of you, but others will need a lot more details and examples to handle complex situations. There is a lot more I can tell you about this subject but it would take pages and pages and pages.
In “Dating To Relating” the book I go into much more detail on “attraction” and “how to create attraction,” “how to create a relationship,” “romance,” “seduction,” and what to do if you are in a relationship with someone you didn’t qualify properly and perhaps is the wrong person for you.
Okay, so last time I told you about how to pick up “The Teases” in bars and clubs. Here, in this follow up article I’m going to tell you how to pick up the “Regular Girls.”
One of those observations was about those regular girls who visited the club. I use to call them GRADIENT GIRLS. I called them that because after a lot of observations I noticed there was a gradient scale of sexual reach or interest. Here it is:
First there is negative sexual talk –This is talking about not having sex, or not wanting to have sex, or talking about someone else who is into sex as creepy, disgusting, or characterizing them in some other negative way, etc. This is the lowest form of sexual interest someone can show you. Because they still ARE talking about sex. And they are talking about it with YOU.
People who really aren’t interested in sex or you don’t bring it up at all, and really don’t get “into it” if you bring it up. I learned about this one day, when I was driving a fellow student home from college. She invited me up to her apartment, but quickly informed me that I couldn’t have sex with her.
Since, I had shown her no sexual interest, and since I really wasn’t interested, I found this rather odd. A few weeks later she seduced me. She got me to have sex with her when I didn’t want to and wasn’t really attracted to her. This is when I put it all together. She was attracted to me from the very beginning. And her negative comment about “not having sex” was the level at which she began her sexual flirting.
Then positive sexual talk.
then eye contact,
then slight brief touching,
then extended touching,
then kissing,
petting,
heavy petting,
intercourse.
Now most people think sexual interest starts with positive sexual talk, but it doesn’t. And the funny thing about this gradient scale is that you have to match the level the other person is at or you can lose a prospect very quickly. So if a girl is into flirting at “negative sexual talk” and you try to come on to her with “positive sexual talk” you will lose her.
Now most of your regular girls hanging out in clubs, whether with or without girlfriends, have a negative view towards guys. They think guys who are there just want sex, etc. And they are probably right. So the way I would come on to a regular girl in a club, was simple.
I would stand next to her (similar to the Tease Girl above) and wait for some guy to hit on some girls in a stupid way that confirms what most girls thinks about guys. I would then make a comment about how stupid that was, etc. sort of out loud to myself or whomever was around (sort of like I did with the Tease Girl) ending by looking at her in disbelief.
She would then chime in very quickly about how stupid it was, and from there I would lead the conversation into a negative “sex talk” about how I hated clubs, hated all the games and meat market stuff that goes on, etc. This would usually go on for about 15-30 minutes and then she would invariably say the magic words: “But you are different” to which I would reply, “Yeah, you are different too.”
From there it could go in many directions depending on the girls. We might dance, or continue in an engaging conversation, but now the conversation was into positive sexual talk, from there we would start with the little touches, etc. and eventually it would lead to making out, petting, heavy petting, kissing, etc.
Now none of these techniques I’ve discussed in this three part series of articles, are DeAngelo’s “Cocky and Funny” or any such, and by the way, Cocky and Funny does work on a small band of girls in the club (and in life) too. I would label them the Boredom girls.
But here is the principle behind Cocky and Funny and the Love Girl, Tease Girl and Regular Girl techniques. The principle is to be “Interesting and Unique.”
You see the guy who has the balls to walk up to and confront the horny “Love Girl” is interesting and unique to her because most guys are too scared to do it. But he is definitely Not Cocky and Funny. He only has to open his mouth and confidently ask her to dance.
The guy who tells the “Tease Girl” she’s not that hot, but has a good personality is interesting and unique to her, because ALL guys reach at these girls and tell them how beautiful they are.
The guy who can dish out negative sex talk to a “Regular Girl” is interesting and unique to her because she never finds guys like this in the club.
And of course the Boredom Girls, who get guy after guy after guy hitting on them and kissing their butt find “Cocky and Funny” totally interesting and Unique. Boredom girls are a kind of a random, casual and pointless-talk band of girl, and Cocky and Funny is random and pointless talk. The other techniques are more directed.
There are other types of girls too, and combination of types. I go over those in some of my other writings and articles.
Some techniques are Quick and Easy and some techniques are pure seduction and can take a very long time. But none-the-less they are still pickup techniques.
Okay, so last time I told you about how to pick up “Love Girls” in bars and clubs. Here, in this follow up article I’m going to tell you how to pick up the “Beautiful Teases.”
One observation I made over the course of time were the beautiful women, who purposely teased men. Let’s call them The Teases. They flirted with you, but when you went over to hit on them, they would eventually go cold, after a while they would totally ignore you. This tease left you totally confused, after all, how many women flirt with you, hit up on you? She had to like you, right? Well, these girls always had a cadre of frustrated men following them wherever they went, kissing their butts and confused.
I began to notice that the only guys who ever left with these teases, or ended up dating them, were the guys who totally ignored them, who seemed like they could care less. Then one day I just got it. It came to me in a brainstorm.
I realized that you had to ignore a tease, get her to hit on you and keep her hitting on you all the way into bed by continuing to ignore her. But the question was: How do you communicate to someone you are ignoring? Well, the answer ended up in a technique similar to what “Mystery” uses these days.
I would simply walk over to one of theses hot teases, position myself right next to her (but not looking at her–sort of shoulder to shoulder–close enough that she could hear me but not close enough that she would take my position as showing any interest in her) and then I would wait for another hot girl to walk by or close. As soon as one did, I would shake my head as if to myself, and mutter some comment such as “Is she hot or what?” or “Wow.”
No matter what I said it was always a comment on how hot the girl who walked by was. I would always end the comment by looking at the tease, as if she were just some stranger, who I was randomly expressing my delight in “the girl who just walked by” to. WITHOUT FAIL, the tease would very shortly always then tell me in one way or another that guys do to her what I just did to this other girl ALL the time.
(NOW HERE IS THE CLOSE) I would look at her like she was a little nuts, like she wasn’t hot at all, but would say very politely (as if feigning politeness) “Really?” or some such comment to get her to talk some more.
Of course they would always go on and on at this point trying to convince me how hot they were, and after 15-30 minutes or so, I would say something like, “Look, maybe you ARE a good looking women, it’s just perhaps hard for me to see it because you are definitely NOT my type.” (I would then describe my type to be the opposite of whatever they were. If they were blonde, I liked brunettes. If they had large breast, I liked little breasts, etc.)
Then I would say, “But did you ever consider that perhaps men like you NOT for the way you look, but for your personality? Because after listening to you here for a while, I THINK you have a great personality and maybe that is why men like you.”
After those words, the Tease was mine. They would invariably say, “Oh my god, I have never met a guy like you in my life. I can’t believe you. I have never had a guy say he likes my personality. (Rightfully so, because they were usually perceived by men as cold bitches.) You are so interesting…”
From that point, the girl would invite me out, and generally increase the gradient of flirting and teasing to get a reaction out of me as she typically got from all those other men, and when she didn’t get the reaction, she would up the ante of flirting, until she eventually, jumped me (had sex with me) to get a reaction. (It usually took 3 dates.)
But, of course, I knew from months of observation, that if I ever admitted I was attracted to her, if, I ever took the lead and hit on her, or let her know that I was really attracted to her and was lying, it would be over. So, I never did.
Instead, I only complimented her personality, and if I said anything about her physically, I always did it as if I was being polite and trying not to hurt her feelings. Or, I would say something that gave her a sense of progress (the idea that they were winning me over) but never a full compliment–something like “You are still not my type, but you are looking more attractive to me than when I first met you. Who knows, maybe I COULD see you as totally beautiful some day.”
Eventually, as I said, they would tease me all the way into bed. And even after sex, when they asked me “Was it good?” I would simply respond, “It was Ok…but that is not important, what is important is that you are a great person, and I really like you.” (Now this was never hard to do, because Teases without variation, were the worst lovers as a group that I ever met.)
After a while I got to understand what was really going on with these girls and why they did what they did. They were all beautiful girls who were made to feel unconfident as children. They were all told they were ugly and such things, when they in fact weren’t.
So they grew up with low self esteem and were actually very afraid of men. Somewhere along the line, however, they learned that men reacted well to them and that they could get men to do anything they wanted by flirting with them. In their minds, they still did not think men did this because they were good looking, they just thought men did it because men were horny and easy to manipulate.
So, when they flirt with a man, and the man reaches and aggresses back, these girls basically get scared and run away. They are working on their self confidence, however, that is why they are in the bar every day or every weekend. And when I didn’t aggress against them sexually, but told them I liked them, I gave them a safe zone.
They weren’t afraid of me. So they raised the bar and tried to “win me over” so to speak. Winning me over, made them feel better about themselves. And of course got me sex. This strategy worked 100% of the time.
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