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Inner Game

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 11/01/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, do you think it is a good idea to have a couple of stories lined up for the first few minutes of conversation when meeting women.

Answer: Well, the answer is yes and no. Ultimately the skill you want to have when meeting people is just to be there and interact according to what is said – not with some preconceived idea of what you should say.

Preconceived ideas and stories will work sometimes and not other times. You stand a much better chance of hitting a high percentage of success when you can simply be there, assess what is going on and respond accordingly.

So from that viewpoint, the answer is no.

But let’s take a look at the “inner game” or internal motion aspects of the same situation.

You know that I talk a lot about watching the motion of the person you are approaching and trying to meet. I continually talk about doing things which make that person move toward you and not doing those things which make them move away from you.

The other person in the situation is you, however, and sometimes you have to treat yourself the same way you treat others. You have to observe what gets you to approach or move toward the situation and do more of that, and observe what makes you not approach or move away from the situation and do less of that.

How do we apply this?

Well, if you are a guy that has “approach anxiety” and is fearful of approaching and talking to women, then this “internal motion” is the situation you need to handle before you start handling the motion that women exhibit.

If you can not approach a woman then everything else I talk about is irrelevant.

So whatever helps you move towards “approaching women” would be the right thing to do irrespective of any other viewpoint of what is right or wrong.

For one guy it might mean that he goes out to clubs and just watches women for months on end until he gets it. Once he gets it, he feels comfortable approaching. But for another guy, that may not work. Getting a friend to be his “wing man” and introduce him to women might be what works for him. Yet another guy, might find that learning how to read palms is the tool he needs to feel comfortable to approach and meet women. And of course for another guy it might be having those couple of stories lined up for the first few minutes of conversation that makes him feel comfortable enough to approach.

It really doesn’t matter what you do, but some attention has to be put on observing your own motion toward women and motion away. Once you are comfortable, your attention will then shift naturally from observing yourself to observing their motion.

It is not just your “approach” motion that you have to observe. Any motion is worth observing.

I once knew a guy who in the middle of successfully talking to a woman would shrivel up and go sulk away if another guy approached them while they were talking. That was a “motion away” on his part not caused by any relevant factor that the girl did, or any indication of lack of interest on her part. It was caused by an external event that touched upon his own insecurities.

He eventually handled his “motion away” by having several interesting stories worked up that he would engage in as soon as a guy approached. He felt that guys couldn’t butt in and take over if he was in the middle of a story. It worked for him, and whether his theory was true or not, it gave him the confidence to not “sulk away” so it was a workable personal strategy for him.

By observing “motion away” and “motion towards” in others and ourselves, we can develop personal strategies that are built for ourselves, not something that worked for some dating guru who doesn’t have a personality that is anything like us.

And that is what we teach guys to do at Dating To Relating.

Mr. L. Rx

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By admin – December 7, 2012

Sexual Communication

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 10/25/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, I hear a lot of people talk about “sexual communication”. What is this?

Answer: “Sexual Communication” is anything that a man or woman does or says that communicates that he or she is interested in the opposite sex, either generally or specifically.

It is important for a guy to understand how to read sexual communications sent by women and how to send sexual communication to women. Many guys are left in the “friend zone” simply because they don’t know how to use sexual communication to attract women and/or let a woman know that they are interested in her as a girlfriend – not just as a friend.

You see, it is all a matter of gradient.

There are obvious verbal and non-verbal sexual communications that are a high enough gradient that we can all figure them out.

The problem I see is that guys don’t know how to read low gradient sexual communications from women, and guys don’t know how to originate low gradient sexual communications to women. So guys fail to see that a woman is actually attracted to them, and guys blow women away by starting out at too high a sexual gradient.

Now sexual communication is a huge topic – much bigger than I can cover here. But let’s talk about one of the lowest gradients of sexual communications that frequently gets over looked. And that is ….

Being there.

What does that mean? Well, the girl who signs up to be on the dating site, has delivered the first sexual communication. Even if she made no other sexual comment or action, the very fact that she is there is a communication that she is interested in a sexual relationship. This is a general communication, not a communication specifically that she is interested in a sexual relationship with you.

But that is the good thing about dating sites. We don’t have to worry about, “Does she have a boyfriend?” etc. because we know everyone there is looking for a sexual partner.

The girl at the airport or movie theatre who makes a point to sit down right next to you when you are the only person in the area, and there are hundreds of vacant seats is also “being there” and delivering a sexual communication.

Now, the above may be rather obvious to most guys, but a few “being there” situations aren’t and must be treated as potentially a sexual communication and probed a little more to find out just what is going on.

So the clerk in the store who makes a bee line over to you after you walk in and says, “Can I help you?” is being there with you specifically. Now the problem is she could have done this because she is attracted to you or she could have done this because she is just an aggressive clerk looking for a sale.

The girl in the grocery store who sees you buying a certain brand of can goods and asks you, “How do you like that chili?” might be “being there” as a sexual communication or maybe she is just a curious, friendly person who just wants to know if anyone likes that brand of chili.

How do you know if these “maybe” situations are sexual communications or not? Well, you do a light gradient of flirting, and if that attracts her even further, then you know that was her original intent. If it blows her away, then it was probably not a sexual communication.

A lot of guys worry about whether a girl is interested in them as a boyfriend or not, on that first date. Truth be told, however, if you made an honest “date”, she has at least seen you before (not a blind date), she wouldn’t be there if there weren’t a possibility of a sexual relationship. She wouldn’t have made the “date.”

Now that doesn’t mean it is a sure thing. That doesn’t mean you can’t blow it. But if you are worried and think there is no possibility, you are wrong.

She wouldn’t be there unless she considered there was a possibility with you.

Mr. L. Rx

Posted in Newspaper Column, Sex.

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By admin – December 7, 2012

External Relationship Factors

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 10/18/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, in your book you talk about the things that guys do that cause a woman to move closer or further away from a guy. But what about external causes that have nothing to do with your actions? How do you deal with those?

Answer: Very good question. In the book, we do tend to focus on our own behavior as it is the thing that we can most control and change as needed. However, there are times when external factors can influence your relationship and it has nothing or very little to do with your own efforts.

Pre-existing relationships with family or friends can be one of those external factors. Jobs and relationships with people at work can be another source of external influence.

For example, family members such as a mother or father can put pressure on your spouse or girlfriend to do something that you don’t want or even to look at you in a negative light. Sometimes people external to your relationship can create extra hurdles and problems for your relationship that wouldn’t exist if they weren’t there.

For example, my ex-wife’s parents use to exert pressure on my wife to “take it easy” and “not work too hard” and “take vacations” at a time when we were starting a business together. They would invite us to come visit them or they would come visit us. We really couldn’t afford to take any time off from our young start up business, but my ex-wife’s pre-existing relationship with her parents was such that she could never say, “No” to any of their suggestions.

As a consequence, every suggestion they made moved my ex-wife and myself a little further apart, because I could see the malice in their intentions, and all she could see was a command that had to be obeyed.

Can you overcome such external obstacles as these and others when they are happening? Perhaps, but many times it will be near impossible to overcome such influence. The best way to handle this external influence potential is to qualify for it when you first meet a person.

Look for and spot any negative relationships that your potential mate might have amongst her family, friends, or work cohorts. What is important is that you learn and observe how your potential mate deals with such relationships. It isn’t how “bad” or “mean” the mother-in-law is, for example, it is more, “How does your potential mate deal with such a person?”

The kind of relationships and situations that will cause you grief to no end, are those relationships in which your mate can not stand up for themselves – those relationships where they have to do what the other person says “no matter what” – those relationships which cause your potential mate to lose their integrity.

I have had girlfriends with the most abusive parents in the world, yet these situations caused me no grief because these girlfriends had the ability to stand up to their parents and say, “No” to anything the parents said that was unreasonable.

On the other hand, the situation in which a wife who couldn’t say, “That is not a good week to visit, can you come some other time?” to her parents led to all kinds of distress, arguments, and external turmoil.

Negative external factors are not easy to handle if they are entwined into your relationship. The best time to handle them is before you get too involved with a person. No matter how much you might love a person, no matter how cute or attractive they are, if you see that they cannot handle abusive parents, siblings, friends, other relatives, etc. be very careful about your decision to get involved with that person.

It is not something we are trained to look at when “looking for love” but if you want a sane and a lasting relationship, it is something that must be confronted and looked at from day one.

Mr. L. Rx

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By admin – December 7, 2012

More About Dating Rapport

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 10/11/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, I read your column about rapport a few weeks ago. I am really interested in this topic. Are there any other ways to establish rapport?

Answer: Yes, one can establish rapport by asking questions and getting answers. The most important thing is to ask questions that elicit emotional response not just social, friendly, calm, or logical answers.

This is an old sales trick that any good salesman knows.

You see, the guy who comes into the electronic store and is looking for a 36 inch HDTV doesn’t really care about pixels, channels, sound, etc. He is not really there to ascertain the information about the TV. He is really there to prove to his wife that “he is the boss” and can determine what they spend money on, or he is really there to reward himself for working hard, because “no one else does” or he is really there to spite his boss whom he hates and show his boss who is coming over next week that he is “a better person”.

Now, when a salesman finds out this emotional answer from the potential buyer he closes the deal by establishing rapport and repeating the emotional words to the potential buyer. So the salesman doesn’t say, “Well, it’s 32 inches, HDTV and the highest tech, blah blah blah…” Instead he says, “Well, if you really want to show your wife that ‘you are the boss’ you will get the 32 inch, HDTV, with PIP because it screams “boss!”

Or he says, “If you really want to reward yourself because no one else does, then you’ll get the super audio 40 inch HDTV, blah blah blah.” Or he says, “If you really want to show your boss you are a better person than him then get the blah blah blah!”

When you find the emotion behind the guys behavior – no matter what it is – you will establish rapport. The guy will feel like you really understand him.

Same goes for dating. Find out her passion, find out what she hates, find out what she loves. Ask questions like, “How do you feel about that?” or “Doesn’t that make you mad?” or, “That must have been exhilarating?”

When you get the definite emotional response, note the exact words she uses, and say them back to her exactly. “Yeah, I hate it when people don’t listen”, “I love old cinema.” or, “Selfish people are such a turnoff.”

Now when you get a little more experience and you start to recognize personality types and approach a personality type knowing something about them before you even talk to them, you can take rapport to a new level, and say something that would be exactly what they would say before they get a chance to say it.

So when you have that first date with the girl you have never met before and from ten feet away you can see she is an “angry” women, then you establish rapport when you walk up to her and the first words out of your mouth are, “Did you see what that hostess said to me? I hate rude people like that, they make me soooo angry!”

That establishes instant rapport and very solid rapport because you said it before she did.

Now that takes a little experience and keen observation, but in the meantime, ask a lot of questions, elicit an emotional response, repeat what ever is said to show that you understand what is important to her and you will establish a very close rapport with her.

Don’t be surprised if she says something like, “Wow, you are the first person I have ever met that really understands me!”

Mr. L. Rx

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By admin – December 6, 2012

How To Use Rapport When Meeting Women Or On A First Date

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 9/27/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, what is rapport and how do I use it when meeting women?

Answer: Rapport!

Well, our trusted Wikipedia says:

“Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective: being “in sync” with, or being “on the same wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking.”

Why should you establish rapport when meeting women for the first time? Well it is just one more of those things you can do to create attraction. Rapport works more on the subconscious level, whereas some of the other things I have taught you – like listen to the woman – work on a more conscious level.

How do you establish rapport?

Well, there are three ways that I go about establishing rapport with a person whether in a sales situation, a social situation, or on a date.

1) Body Language

To establish rapport I mimic the person’s body language. If they sit up straight, I sit up straight. If they lean back, I lean back. If they lean in, I lean in.

Posture is one, but there are others. If they are uptight and cold and distant, I am uptight and cold and distant. If they start warming up, I start warming up. If they talk with their hands, I talk with my hands. Get it! Don’t be too obvious. This is subtle. It drives in the “commonality of perspective” or the “in sync”.

2) Vocal Language

If someone starts off talking about casual conversation, I start and continue the conversation at the same level. If they start off getting very personal and open, I become very personal and open with my conversation. I also use a similar style of talking if possible – soft and polite, if they are soft and polite, loud and boisterous, if they are loud and boisterous.

3) Emotional Mimicking

If someone is cheerful and friendly, I am cheerful and friendly, if they are angry and sullen, I become angry and sullen. If they are antagonistic and bothered, I become antagonistic and bothered. If they are fearful or grief ridden, I become fearful or grief ridden.

Now using rapport is my tendency, but I only do these things when I want to use rapport. Sometimes I don’t use rapport. Some people are attracted to “similarity” (that is when rapport works) others are attracted to opposites (that is when rapport can back fire on you).

How do you know when or when not to use rapport?

Well, I observe the attraction factor. When I meet people, I am at first just me – my natural self. If that works then I don’t change a thing. I just be “me”. Now sometimes “me” will naturally be in rapport with the person I am with, other times it doesn’t matter as attraction is there anyway.

But when the attraction factor is low, or the personality in front of me is not very similar to my personality, I first make a decision. I ask myself if I want to get to know this person better (because if I don’t like them – no use wasting any time on rapport). If I do, I will use rapport and the attraction factor starts going in.

Rapport is one of those things that seems to work for me when all else fails. Once I establish rapport I say the same things and do the same things I would normally say and do. I just say them in a way that is consistent with the rapport I have established.

Mr. L. Rx

Posted in Meet Women, Newspaper Column.

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By admin – December 6, 2012

How To Be Mr. Right

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 9/20/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, so many women are looking for the so called Mr. Right. How do I become that guy?

Answer: Well, if you were to go online and search for “Mr. Right” articles written by women, the first thing you would notice is that what is “Mr. Right” for one woman could be “Mr. Wrong” for another.

It comes back to one of my basic themes. Women have different personalities. Different personalities like different things.

So if you like yourself, and who you are and can’t see yourself changing for anyone then just be who you are. Meet lots of women, and sooner or later you will meet someone who likes you the way you are and will consider you their Mr. Right.

Now if you are flawed and know you are flawed, and you want to improve yourself, then decide what kind of guy you would like to be. Decide what kind of guy you could admire and become such a guy. If you are cool with who you become, then meet lots of women and sooner or later you will meet a woman who thinks you are cool too.

Or there is a different way of going about it. The strategy above may attract women but it may not attract the kind of woman you are looking for. So if you want to do that, figure out first what kind of woman you are looking for and figure out what kind of guy she is looking for or her type is looking for and become that guy.

Just make sure you are comfortable with the kind of guy you become or it won’t last very long. This has to be a lifestyle change for the rest of your life.

The final approach is to become the kind of guy that most or the majority of women are looking for. What is that?

a) A guy who is clean and well groomed. No matter what you look like, you will look better if you take pride in your appearance, hygiene, and personal grooming. A well groomed man is something a woman can be proud of and show off no matter what he looks like.

b) A guy who is trustworthy and won’t cheat. Guys are notorious for cheating. Don’t be that guy. If you no longer feel it for a girl, end the relationship then find someone new for sex – not vice versa.

c) A guy who is competent at something and can build a successful career. You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to be successful. Women want financial security. If you are good at your job – no matter what it is – you won’t lose it. You will be promoted, etc. Financial security – not gobs of money – is what women want from Mr. Right.

d) A guy who is reliable and whose word means something. Don’t be the guy who shows up an hour late and who forgets birthdays and promises. No one likes that – not even other men.

e) A gentleman. Despite what women might say, they all appreciate a gentleman. Don’t fake it. It is a lifestyle. Either assume the lifestyle of a gentleman or don’t do it at all. Anything in between won’t work, because if you force yourself to do it, it will backfire on you one day.

f) A communicator. Learn to have real communication and learn to listen to women early on. If you don’t like what you hear or it is torture to listen, break it off. She is the wrong girl for you. There is another woman out there whose communication will be enjoyable. Find her.

g) A romantic. Romance is different for every woman so find out what it is for her. Don’t be the kind of guy who romances her to get her then stops when he gets her. Romance is another lifestyle. If you can’t or don’t want to do it then don’t do it. It is another one of those areas that you either do forever, or don’t do it at all. If you don’t want to be a romantic, find a woman who doesn’t need it.

h) A guy with a sense of humor. All women say they want a guy with a sense of humor. But don’t use it as a way to get out of real communication. Be humorous and funny when appropriate but know when and how to have a serious conversation.

i) Finally be a good lover. If you don’t know how. Learn. There are lots of books on the subject, and we have free materials on our website if you can’t find them other places. Every woman’s Mr. Right is a good lover.

Mr. L. Rx

Posted in Newspaper Column, Pick Up Women.

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By admin – December 6, 2012

How To Tell The Difference Between Friendly and Flirty

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 9/13/11

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, how do you tell the difference between when a girl is just being friendly and when she is actually flirting with you?

Answer: Very good question. First of all let’s make some distinctions between various behaviors by women.

There is definite flirting behavior when a girl is interested in you and there is definite “not interested” behavior when she is not. There is another type of behavior that is “just friendly” and a similar type of behavior that is “just flirting” – in other words, it is not meant to be taken seriously and is not meant to go anywhere.

Now I am not going to tackle the obvious, when a girl asks you out or tells you how handsome you are, etc. that is flirtation behavior you should get. But here is what girls do when they are being more subtle and less aggressive and are interested in establishing something with you.

1) They will suggest or establish “future” in your conversation. You know, “Let’s hang some time,” or “I know a place you would really like. I will take you there sometime”, or something of the sort. It would be usually one-on-one type situations, but if she wants to check you out more, then it might be an invitation to a group function. “My girlfriend and I are going to blah-blah, Sunday. Would you like to come?” Be careful of the last one, though, it could be a “just-friends” invitation.

2) They will compliment you. The more sexual the compliment, the more flirty and interested it might be. For example, “You have a cute butt,” would be a more sexual compliment. However “I had a great time” or “I really enjoyed hanging with you” are still very good indicators that a girl is really interested. (Make sure that she originates the compliment and is not just being polite and complimenting you because you complimented her.)

3) A phone call, text, or email from the girl saying what a nice or enjoyable time she had with you a few minutes to a few hours after getting together with her is another good indicator that she is really interested in you. Even a contact the next day or within a few days of the same nature is a good indicator.

In other words, girls who are really flirting, with the intention of it going somewhere, try to give you a few extra hints that they are really interested and that you should pursue them. Now there is one other kind of girl that won’t do any of the above, but you will notice you have good one-on-one conversation with her every time you meet and have a chance to converse. She is there, always talks to you, doesn’t run away, but also doesn’t suggest future or give compliments. She might be the type that is a little shy and wants you to make the first move.

Now the hard ones are “friendly girls” who are affectionate and out-going types but are not really flirting. They may be really friendly and talkative to you. They may compliment you on something (but not usually a sexual compliment) and they may give you a hug or a cheek-kiss.

Now if a girl does this and she doesn’t do any of 1-3 above, and she sort of avoids any significant one-on-one time or conversations (in other words she tries to interact with you in group situations or just briefly) then she is just being friendly and you will probably see her interacting with other men and women in the same way (another clue).

A “flirty girl” who is just flirting to have fun, will probably do much of the same behavior as the “friendly girl” and may even get a little sexual with her flirts and compliments, but again, it will probably be in group situations and she will avoid any serious one-on-one with you.

If you have any doubt about “friendly girls” or “flirty girls” just try to up the gradient of flirtation and see how they respond. If they are really flirting with you and are interested in it going somewhere, they will respond appropriately when you up the gradient. If they back down or withdraw, or are anything less than “eager” when you up the gradient, then you know that they are just being friendly or flirty and you should not take it seriously.

So ask them out, ask for their phone number, or suggest some one-on-one time and see how they respond. If they respond positively, eagerly – they are interested; if they are hesitant or respond negatively, or “politely” – they are just being “friendly” or “flirty.”

Mr. L. Rx

Posted in Newspaper Column, Understanding Women.

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By admin – December 6, 2012

Love Is Not Attraction Or Is It?

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 9/6/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, I am very attracted to this girl in one of my college classes. I’ve known her for several months now, though we don’t have a relationship. I feel that I am deeply in love with her and told her that the other day. She told me that attraction is not love. Is she right? I feel that this strong of an attraction must be love. Could I be wrong?
Answer: This is one of the best questions I have had in a long time. And the answer is simple. Love is not attraction.

Well, perhaps I should temper that. For some people love is experienced as attraction, or at least love is misidentified as attraction. Attraction between men and women is entirely a physical force not a mental force. Attraction between men and women can be created by mental considerations, but in the end it is not a mental force.

Mr. Webster defines attraction as:

The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together.

Men and women are oppositely charged particles. When we are talking about attraction here, we are talking about a physical attraction.

Now most women, not all, have a better handle on this than men. Most women, can feel a physical attraction for a man, recognize it as such, determine that the man for other reasons is unsuitable as a “love interest” and move on. Most men, on the other hand, can’t do this. Most men feel a physical attraction for a woman, and the stronger that physical attraction is, the more they misidentify it as “love.”

Both David DeAngelo and myself have written extensively that attraction can be created and that it is not innate. You can create attraction, where there is none, just by teaching men (or women) to say and do or be certain things.

Men physically saying or doing or being certain things, creates attraction in women. This is a physical law, not a mental condition, just as it is a physical law that you can magnetize any piece of metal, and create attraction to that metal whether or not it was magnetized before. (Incidentally you can do this no matter how ugly or poor that piece of metal is!)

Now love on the other hand is also an attraction of sorts. But it is a mental attraction not a physical one. Physical attraction is different for everyone. For some it is how cute you are, for others, how rich you are, or yet others, how famous you are. But in all cases a physical attraction is an instantaneous attraction with no thought attached – just like a magnet.

Physical attractions are meant to get us to pay attention to someone. That’s all. That is the extent of it. Once you pay attention, cognitive processes should take over.

Now love, when it is not misidentified, is a totally cognitive process. It is a mental process. After someone gets our attention, love is the attraction that develops because we get to know someone and find that many of their non-physical qualities are a good “fit”, agreeable, or a match for us.

Love can take a long time or a short time to develop, but “love” is where we arrive when we overwhelmingly start finding ourselves attracted to a person in ways that the physical sexual attraction did not foretell.

When we find that the person’s humor, personality, way of being, way of communicating, and goals in life are all “attractive” or compatible with ourselves (and are real – not fake attributes that were meant to create physical attraction); and when we find that we naturally want to be with a person because of a whole set of variables – not just looks or money or fame – we are starting to develop a cognitive attraction or “love.”

There can be so many cognitive attractions to a person that, at some point, it can overcome a lack of “physical attraction” (looks, money, fame). But, most importantly, a cognitive “love” would look for a “return” variable in another. In other words, a cognitive attraction would not consider it “love” – as between a man and a woman – unless the cognitive attraction saw the attraction going in both directions.

And that my friend is the difference between love and attraction.

Mr. L. Rx

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By admin – December 6, 2012

She Is Flirting With Me But Dating Someone Else

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 8/30/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, this girl I know at work is flirting with me, but she is dating someone else. What do I do?

Answer: This is a good question. There are a number of reasons that a woman might flirt with you while dating someone else. Not all women would do this, but certain personality types will.

Some women flirt with all men. They basically have a need to feel that they are attractive. This need is more important than their existing relationship. They don’t do anything other than flirt so they do not feel like they are cheating. By flirting with men and getting a flirt back they feel attractive. So in the end it is all about them feeling good about themselves and not about you. They will never go to the next stage with you.

Watch the woman and see if she is flirting with a bunch of men or just you.

Some women flirt with men in front of other women as a sort of competitive thing. Again it is not about you and it is not a flirt that is going to go anywhere. It is simply a flirt that is done in front of other women to show them that they are attractive and can get men or perhaps even to show the other women that they are more attractive than them.

So if this behavior always takes place in front of other women, be a little suspicious of the intent.

Then there are promiscuous women who will cheat on their boyfriends. This type of flirt is usually done discreetly – not in front of others. She does not want to get caught so she will not be flirting with all men or flirting in front of her girlfriends (well maybe she might do this if she can trust her girlfriends). But get the picture? Is she doing this discreetly or on the sly? If this is the kind of flirting she is doing then maybe she is looking for an affair.

Keep in mind, however, that a woman who cheats on her boyfriend will cheat on you. So don’t be tempted into thinking she is going to leave her boyfriend for you or that she would make a good girlfriend no matter the sad story she gives you about her boyfriend. Just remember that if she cheats on him, she is a cheater. She will cheat on you.

There is another possibility that she is just dating, and that the boyfriend is not really considered a boyfriend by her. She might just be dating a bunch of guys trying to see who she likes. The guy she is with might even be an arrangement type of boyfriend – someone she has relations with until she finds someone she likes.

If she flirts with you, and she is rather open about it, and she is not flirting with all the guys or in front of all her girlfriends, then this might be the case. If that is so, ask her about it. Say, “Why are you flirting with me, don’t you have a boyfriend?” See what her answer is. It might be, “Well he is not really my boyfriend, he’s just a friend.”

Another possibility is that she has decided to break up with him, but she might be the kind of personality that has to line up another guy before she can break up with the first one. Hence the flirting is directed at you, not others as above, and you should ask her about it just as above. This one might say something like, “Well, it is just not working out, I need to move on.”

It is one thing to test and look for a new boyfriend by a little flirting. It is another thing to cheat on a guy before you have broken it off. So stay clear of the girls who want to cheat. They will end up doing the same thing to you.

Mr. L. Rx

Posted in Newspaper Column, Understanding Women.

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By admin – December 6, 2012

How To Talk To Women

DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 8/23/10

Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx

Released by AssociatedNews.US

Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)

Question: Mr. L. Rx, how do you talk to women in order to attract them?

Answer: Now, I have a question for you. What do you mean by talk? Do you mean actual communication? Communication is talk that results in someone understanding what you are saying, from your point of view.

But there is another type of talk. Talk aimed at producing a result. It is aimed at getting someone to do something or it is aimed at creating an effect on someone. We don’t really care if the person understands our viewpoint as long as what we said gets them to do or be or have whatever it is we want them to do or be or have. Any parent knows that if you tell a two year old “not” to do something, he will do it. So that is the type of talk we are referring to with this definition. It doesn’t require understanding. It is just a matter of what we say produces the desired effect on another.

Casual talk on the other hand, doesn’t have much to do with understanding, or a particular desired effect. (Unless we say that the desired effect is a pleasant time while conversing with another.) Casual talk is just something to do to take up time; it can be interesting and entertaining even, but not much to do with understanding or a desired effect on another outside of a pleasant time conversing.

Then there are those people who talk to achieve emotional release. They talk about something that is bothering them for a while and they feel better and get an emotional release. They again are not looking for any type of understanding, or to create a desired effect on another, or to have a pleasant time with another. They just want someone who will listen long enough so they can get an emotional release.

So right there we have at least four different purposes to or types of “talk.”

Now oddly enough, personality factors intersect with these various different types of talk, because some personalities specialize in one of the types of talk more than the others.

We all have the friend who just talks and talks about their problem trying to achieve some emotional release. They don’t want your advice or attempts to solve their problem. They just need to talk.

We all have the buddies that we can just shoot the breeze with. Nothing in particular to talk about. Just pleasant conversation.

And we all have good and bad experiences with people who say things in order to get us to react in one way or another.

Now here is where personality comes in again. Obviously if you were talking to a woman who was a personality type that specialized in emotional release – you would attract her by listening to her unburden herself and achieve emotional release. If you were talking to a personality type that just like to have a pleasant time – then chatting in a pleasant way about nothing in particular would score you big points. Just don’t bring that conversation into “unpleasant” realms and you will do just fine on “attraction”.

Now if you are with the type of personality that needs to create effects on you or needs an effect created on herself, then let them do so or do so to them and you will do fine on the attraction vector. And if you are with the type of women who longs for understanding and being understood, then achieve understanding in your conversation and you will achieve attraction.

Mr. L. Rx

 

Posted in Newspaper Column, Talk To Women.

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By admin – December 6, 2012